Cruel to be kind.

I have to get better at saying "no." I spent so much of my life being awkward that I'm still not used to men hitting on me. I never developed a script for politely rejecting someone.

And I think that in trying to be nice, in trying to avoid the arrogance of saying "stop hitting on me" to a guy who might just be chatting or the meanness of saying "leave me alone" to a guy who's been friendly to me, I end up being much crueler. I go from being a rejecting bitch to being a stringing-along bitch.

This is only an issue, of course, with guys who won't shit or get off the pot. If someone actually asks me if I want to fuck/play, I can say "no." But it's hard to find the right point in a theoretically innocent conversation to say "hey, I just figured out that you're flirting with me, and you need to stop now."

I really hate not fucking people. It's lose-lose. It's awkward, the guy's unhappy, I feel bad that he's unhappy, I feel scared that he'll be angry, and my vagina goes home sad and empty. But I find that fucking people I'm not attracted to is physically and emotionally intolerable, so I'm kinda stuck.

Maybe the worst part is wondering if the guy thinks I'm enjoying the whole deal. A lot of guys seem to think that stringing a guy along is like multiple chocolate-coated orgasms for a girl, that we really dig on the power trip and we giddily high-five each other for it. God no. It might be true that I have "power" over a guy who wants to fuck me, but I didn't ask for it, I won't exploit it, and it feels about as pleasant as those dreams where you didn't study for the test.



I just have to get quicker and harsher about saying "I'm not interested." That sucks balls too, but at least it ends the torment for both of us.