The other Roissy test.

Something I should clarify in general: I don't think that everything PUAs say is automatically wrong. It's absolutely true that self-confidence and polished social skills can impress chicks, in a totally ethical and effective way. But there is a whole lotta bullshit besides self-confidence and social skills out there under the label PUA. Silly acronyms and number games and "status" hijinks and game-playing and refusal to take a "no" and tremendous misogyny are a part of it too, and the good advice mixed in doesn't make that shit okay.


Anyway. Since we're all looking at our Roissy scores as if that were a real thing (it's not), I have to try an experiment that I haven't seen before. Remembering that my score was -5, "lesser beta" on the lady test, I'm taking the dude test.

1. How old are you?
under 25 years old: 0 points
So I'm a little too young for a 16-year-old, really.

2. How tall are you?
under 5’9″: -1 point
Okay, this one's unfair. I'm pretty damn short for a girl, though, so even proportionally I'd still lose.

3. What is your BMI?
over 27.0: -1 point
Gosh, it was ten points when I was a girl. This is a smaller ding than wearing flip-flops!

4. How much do you bench press?
60% or less of your body weight: -1 point
I carry a bench and barbell around with me to test guys before I'd consider fucking them. Sure it's cumbersome, but it's the only way to be sure you're getting top quality merchandise.

5. What does your hairline look like?
Full head of hair if you are under 35: 0 points
The scoring on this one is complex. Being balding is bad if you're under 35 but okay if you're over and okay if you're black and if you're over 35 with hair that's the only way to get the bonus point.

6. How much money do you make?
under $40K and you are out of college: -1 point
This might be just as unfair as the height question, since if you multiply my salary by a 1.4 maleness conversion factor it's over $40K. But that's a whole nother argument. Also, note that despite the whole "women are all about status" thing, this is pretty lightly weighted. You can make up for being stone broke at 50 just by having hair.

7. Do you have a car?
Yes (over 21yo): 0 points
My 1999 Chevy Lumina brings all the girls to the yard. Damn right, it's got more mechanical problems than yours.

8. Are you good-looking?
5 – 7: 0 points
This one, which was worth a full page of extensive dissection in the female version, is skimmed over with an almost embarrassed hastiness, because caring what a guy looks like is pretty gay. Also note that being average is neutral here, while a girl has to be well above average to avoid losing points. (All of our students are above average!)

9. Have you ever played a leading role in a team sport?
No: 0 points
Unless you're in the NFL or NBA, I don't think this matters after college. (Hell, I don't know how I'd even know if a guy was captain of his high school soccer team or whatever, that's a lot more "trivia" than "selling point.")

10. What is your occupation?
Neutral status (engineer, programmer, accountant, salesman, mid level manager, scientist, military officer, well-paid tradesman, etc.): 0 points
Programmer is "neutral status"?

11. How many friends do you have?
4 to 20: 0 points
Like on Facebook, or like people who I could call them up this minute and cry on their shoulder for hours? Anyway, I actually kind of agree with this one, guys with no friends at all are definitely not super prospects. Even if they do have hair.

12. How many friends have you met through the internet that you have never seen in person?
over 2: -1 point
Dammit, Facebook. I'm going to be like a "lesser omega who smells funny" now.

13. When was the last time you went to a house party?
Within the past month: +1 point
I wonder if I'd lose the point if Roissy knew that we were talking about RPGs and Internet drama the whole time.

14. Have people besides your family called you funny?
Nearly everyone who knows me: +1 point
Which is impressive, because girls aren't funny, they have boobs for that.

15. What is your IQ?
over 145: -1 point
Wow, I wasn't expecting this one. I don't think I've ever rejected a guy for being too smart. (Smart and socially inept, sure, but there are smart and sociable guys out there, it's not an inevitable linkage.) But then again, look at me talking, I'm a lesser beta, what do I know.

16. At a party, which happens first – you approach someone or someone approaches you?
I occasionally approach first: 0 points
Actually I kinda just walk around and talk to people or people talk to me, I don't really calculate it in my head as an elaborate dance of approaches and reactions. I go to parties to have fun, dude.

17. Have you ever been in a serious fight where real punches were thrown and you felt like you wanted to kill your opponent(s)?
No: 0 points
This makes me less sexy, because girls really love the homicidal type.

18. Have you ever been arrested?
Yes: +1 point
I got arrested once when I was eight for riding my bike after curfew without a light, and I was so scared I barfed on the cop. Apparently this makes me a dangerously desirable bad boy. (I might just have been detained, I'm not sure if that was an "arrest" legally, but it's a hilarious story anyway.)

Note that being arrested for child porn is a smaller ding than flip-flops.

19. You are on a second date with a girl. You go to kiss her. She turns her cheek to you and says “Slow down, I’m not that kind of girl.” You reply:
(A) ”Sorry.” -1 point
Respecting boundaries is so not hot. The right answer is "This could be trouble ’cause I’m that kind of guy. *smirk*" Because implicit rape threats (I get the feeling that this line is meant to be delivered while cornering her alone and not quite forcing a kiss but not backing off) are so hot.

20. You’re chatting up a pretty girl you just met in a bar. After a few minutes she asks you to buy her a drink. You reply:
(B) “I’m not an ATM.” 0 points
Not in so many words, because that's toolish and as a girl I would take it as a straight-up rejection, but I have to admit that it would be weird for someone to ask me to buy them a drink. I certainly never ask guys that. (Partly because accepting a drink seems to imply consent for absolutely anything they want to do to me for the entire rest of the night. Man that's five bucks well spent.)

21. You’ve just met a cute girl in a club and have been talking with her for five minutes when she abruptly changes the topic to a raunchy conversation about her multiorgasmic ability. You respond with:
(A) a huge grin and an eager “Damn! That is HOT!” -1 point
Because fuck yeah. Also, seriously dude, if I'm talking like that, unless I'm a major-league advanced-level game player (I'm totally not), it means I want to fuck you. If we've known each other five minutes and I'm talking about my orgasms, there's no pickup to be done; the Game is over and you won. (We both won! After all, if things go well I'm going to have those orgasms, and duuuude.)

The correct answer is of course "a raised eyebrow while saying 'Hey, thanks for the medical report.'" Which I would take as a crushing rejection and slink away in embarrassment.

22. The pickup has been going well. Later in the night she leans in and begins making out with you passionately. You feel like a king and your jeans suddenly feel much tighter. Do you:
(B) continue making out with her for as long as she wishes. 0 points
This is of course a loser move. The winner move is "kiss for a little bit then push her gently away and look distracted for a second." Apparently Roissy's whole philosophy of pickup is acting like you don't want the girl at all and rejecting her at every step. (Except if she says no to you, then it's Rapeasaurus Rex time.)

"He didn't buy me a drink, didn't want to talk sexy, and wasn't into making out--I've never been more aroused in my life!"

Hmm. I wonder if this ties into the idea that women (or 22YOBS, at least) are constantly fending off a huge surplus of sexual attraction. I guess if everyone a woman encounters drools over her, being a little less accessible would make you stand out, but very very very few women have that experience. To any woman who's accustomed to rejection (i.e., 99% of them including most 22YOBS), this would feel exactly like rejection.

23. You go to a bar. Twenty feet away are a pretty girl, a fat girl, and an average guy talking amongst themselves. The pretty girl briefly eye flirts with you. In reponse, you:
(B) immediately approach in a direct fashion maintaining strong eye contact with your target. 0 points
Well, that makes it sound like I'm charging like a goddamn bull. I would actually just go up and say hi.

The correct answer is "immediately approach but from an indirect angle, looking around the room distractedly on the way over to your target as if you might see an even prettier girl somewhere else, and finally delivering your opener from over your shoulder." Because nothing screams sexual confidence like elaborate choreography.

24. Who do you address first?
(C) everyone. +1 point
Whee, I win. And of course "fat" is the opposite of "pretty," that goes without saying.

25. After getting the whole group engaged in conversation and having a good time, your target blurts out “Hey nice pink shirt! Are you gay?” You:
(A) say “No, I’m not gay!” -1 point
Although my intonation would be a bit more "nope, not gay." Because it's not some deathly insult I must defend myself from.

The correct answer is “OK, who brought their little sister to the bar!”, which is actually a little tempting considering the homophobia implicit in her remark, but at this point, she would stop being my "target," because I don't fuck people who think that "LOL PINK LOL GAY" is good flirting.

26. In the middle of the conversation you have to pee. You say:
(B) “Excuse me.” 0 points
Winners just fucking walk away mid-sentence. Roissy's flirting is really, really, really indistinguishable from rejection. Cruel rejection at that.

27. You’ve managed to get her outside your front door. There is obvious sexual tension. You want to close this deal. You say:
(B) “Why don’t you come inside?” 0 points
The correct answer: “I’m thirsty. Are you thirsty? Let’s go inside and taste DC’s finest tap water. But you can only stay for a minute, I have to get up early.”

Wow, seriously? Wow. Roissy's just fucking with us at this point.


And my score is... -5! Holy shit! It's the same! This must be totally scientifically accurate!
Lesser beta. You don’t immediately disgust girls; they just don’t notice you. With much painful effort you can redeem yourself.

So apparently as a Beta-Minus female I could fuck Beta-Minus males, but as a Beta-Minus male I can't fuck anyone without painful effort? This is where my whole "math" argument comes in.



God, I'm stuck on Roissy like a train wreck. I so want to look away... but I don't.