Emo Post.

(Still in Taylor, MI. But moving on soon! ETA in Mass: Tuesday night.)

I want to be a cool chick. I really want to approach sex with perfect naivete. I want to be the sort of person who can say "sex is fun! let's have fun together!" and really mean it and nothing else. But the more times people dick with me, the more times I get my good nature used to make me into a "take it or leave it, use it and ditch it, plastic don't care" sex toy, the harder it is to be that sort of person.

I don't want--couldn't stand--to become conventional and withholding in my sex, to agree only to fucking one guy, only in a relationship with "commitment", only after he sucks up a little. But I'm starting to understand it. Being a happy hippie about sex, but also having all these inconvenient feelings where I react negatively (like a psycho!) when people get my hopes up and then decide that my desire is inconvenient for them, could start to wear me down one day.

There's a difference between a one-night stand and being used once and thrown out, and the more times the latter happens, the worse I get at accepting it with perfect "hey, it happens! no big! I'm a cool chick!" grace. Everyone has the right to say no to me at any time for any reason, but--if you really don't like me well enough to tell me your realistic expectations, and turn me down kindly and openly if things don't work out--maybe you just shouldn't get my hopes up in the first place.

I hope I don't sound like the "cockteasing is like rape" guys or some psycho bunny-boiler girl. I'm really not asking to be fucked any time I get horny, or carried away into a Forever Love every time I get schmoopy. I'm just asking to have these emotions respected a little. There's a difference between just not fucking me, and leaving me fucking hanging, scared to even point out that I'm hanging for fear of looking "psycho," and I think it's actually not that hard for guys to know which they're doing.

I guess the TL;DR is "Holly is a psycho who will sulk if she doesn't get laid," and admittedly history does sometimes bear that out, but... I wouldn't mind being rejected as much if I could at least get properly rejected like a person you're letting down, instead of fucking discarded like a sex toy you decided you didn't want to use. This bullshit--this kicking me out after you come, this keeping me around as an optional extra instead of a legitimate third, this treating me like a psychopath for calling back after you were finished with me, this utter fucking disrespect for my own wants because cool chicks shouldn't want anything because the coolest thing is a chick who's really convenient to use--this could wear the "cool chick" right out of me someday.