"Poon"?

By unpopular demand, back to the well for Roissy's Sixteen Commandments of Poon. Ugh. After this I have to write about, like, bunnies and clouds, or kissing in the rain,or that time that I was fucking this dude and he was ramming my head into the wall on every thrust but I didn't really mind because that kind of sex is worth a little plaster in your hair.

I. Never say ‘I Love You’ first
Okay, so this isn't pickup game, this is deep into the relationship. And yet you're still gaming her, somehow? You've been together for months and you're still insecure enough to be constantly pulling strings? Fuck, man, what do you even want a relationship for if you're not going to relax and enjoy it?

Women want to feel like they have to overcome obstacles to win a man’s heart. They crave the challenge of capturing the interest of a man who has other women competing for his attention, and eventually prevailing over his grudging reluctance to award his committed exclusivity.
Mmm... grudging. I always dreamed of giving my heart to a grudging man.

II. Make her jealous
Flirt with other women in front of her. Do not dissuade other women from flirting with you. Women will never admit this but jealousy excites them. The thought of you turning on another woman will arouse her sexually.
That's true for some women. It's not true for others. This is why I like the sex-positive community: in here, in this rarified little world of kinksters and poly folk and sex nerds, when you come upon a situation like that you can ask. It's not a perfect system, people still bite off more than they can chew or turn "communication" into just another arena for pissfights, but it beats the fuck out of just guessing. Guess-based sexuality annoys the shit out of me.

Also, even if I do get a little wet thinking about you with another woman, I'm still going to get pissed off if I suspect you're going to actually do it. (I mean, without asking. But this isn't the advanced class.)

III. You shall make your mission, not your woman, your priority
Despite whatever protestations to the contrary, women do not want to be “The One” or the center of a man’s existence. They in fact want to subordinate themselves to a worthy man’s life purpose, to help him achieve that purpose with their feminine support, and to follow the path he lays out.
Can I pick Option C? He follows his life purpose and I follow my own goddamn life purpose. I actually agree that it's not healthy to ignore your life goals for your partner--whether you're male or female.

As for "subordinating myself"--I can't tell when Roissy is trolling sometimes. There's a thin line between his "ha ha, I'm a totally bad boy, IN YOUR FACE political correctness because I'm EDGY" and the things he actually means. I'm sure he's proud of this fact but I think it's just a cover mechanism for not knowing the difference himself.

IV. Don’t play by her rules
If you allow a woman to make the rules she will resent you with a seething contempt even a rapist cannot inspire.
Actually, if you don't allow a woman to make some rules you might be a rapist.

The strongest woman and the most strident feminist wants to be led by, and to submit to, a more powerful man. Polarity is the core of a healthy loving relationship. She does not want the prerogative to walk all over you with her capricious demands and mercurial moods. Her emotions are a hurricane, her soul a saboteur. Think of yourself as a bulwark against her tempest. When she grasps for a pillar to steady herself against the whipping winds or yearns for an authority figure to foil her worst instincts, it is you who has to be there… strong, solid, unshakeable and immovable.
Oh. I get it. I actually feel a little sympathy for him now. He's not (just) an asshole, he's kinky! Roissy is totally a Dom! But he's one of those fetishists who doesn't understand that their fetish isn't universal. He's the equivalent of the foot fetishist who thinks that every woman in sandals is doing it on purpose to tease him.

Or he might just be an asshole. I don't want to hastily rule anything out.

V. Adhere to the golden ratio
Give your woman 2/3 of everything she gives you. For every three calls or texts, give her two back. Three declarations of love earn two in return. Three gifts; two nights out. Give her two displays of affection and stop until she has answered with three more. When she speaks, you reply with fewer words. When she emotes, you emote less.
Not only is this supremely assholish, not only is it one of those "why are you in a relationship again?" moments, it just seems hard to keep track of. I'd accidentally emote a full 4/3rds sometimes and it would take weeks of stoneface to get back on track.

VI. Keep her guessing
True to their inscrutable natures, women ask questions they don’t really want direct answers to. Woe be the man who plays it straight — his fate is the suffering of the beta. Evade, tease, obfuscate.
Some of this seems like it was written in an alternate universe where women never just break up with their boyfriends. This kind of thing doesn't say "maybe I'm a man of mystery, you'll never know" to me, it says "I'm totally cheating." I mean, I don't know that he's cheating, he could be addicted to drugs or gambling or just pathologically secretive, but my point is, none of the options are glamorous.

And how dumb would you feel if you got dumped for cheating and you weren't even cheating?

VII. Always keep two in the kitty
Oh, so you are cheating. Never mind.

VIII. Say you’re sorry only when absolutely necessary
Apologizing increases the demand for more apologies. She will come to expect your contrition, like a cat expects its meal at a set time each day.
Yeah, because arguments and unhappiness are delicious like cat food. Jesus Christ, if you really think a woman is just a couple "I'm sorry"s away from becoming a mewling emotional vampire, you should probably invest in a Fleshlight and a single bed.

IX. Connect with her emotions
Describe in lush detail scenarios to set her heart afire. Give your feelings freedom to roam. ROAM. Yes, that is a good word. You’re not on a linear path with her. You are ROAMING all over, taking her on an adventure. In this world, there is no need to finish thoughts or draw conclusions. There is only need to EXPERIENCE. You’re grabbing her hand and running with her down an infinite, labyrinthine alleyway with no end, laughing and letting your fingers glide on the cobblestone walls along the way.
Wow, all that douchebaggery and suddenly we're in a romance novel. Actually kind of a good one. I never knew ol' Roissy had it in him. I think there's still some douchey "women are irrational and mysterious" subtext here, but it's so pretty that I irrationally like it.

X. Ignore her beauty
The man who trains his mind to subdue the reward centers of his brain when reflecting upon a beautiful female face will magically transform his interactions with women. His apprehension and self-consciousness will melt away, paving the path for more honest and self-possessed interactions with the objects of his desire.[...] It will help you acquire the right frame of mind to stop using the words hot, cute, gorgeous, or beautiful to describe girls who turn you on. Instead, say to yourself “she’s interesting” or “she might be worth getting to know”.
Oh my God, what's wrong with me, I'm kind of agreeing with Roissy. Not the part where you never compliment her looks, but he's got a point here. Except that I want to know how you train yourself to ignore beauty, but then exclusively pursue 22YOBS anyway.

XI. Be irrationally self-confident
No matter what your station in life, stride through the world without apology or excuse. It does not matter if objectively you are not the best man a woman can get; what matters is that you think and act like you are.
God dammit asshole, stop having good points.

XII. Maximize your strengths, minimize your weaknesses
In the betterment of ourselves as men we attract women into our orbit. To accomplish this gravitational pull as painlessly and efficiently as possible, you must identify your natural talents and shortcomings and parcel your efforts accordingly. If you are a gifted jokester, don’t waste time and energy trying to raise your status in philosophical debate. If you write well but dance poorly, don’t kill yourself trying to expand your manly influence on the dancefloor.
And again. Why did he spend the first half of this page telling people how to be emotionally abusive assholes, and then use some actual insight on the second? It's jarring.

XIII. Err on the side of too much boldness, rather than too little
Touching a woman inappropriately on the first date will get you further with her than not touching her at all. Don’t let a woman’s faux indignation at your boldness sway you; they secretly love it when a man aggressively pursues what he wants and makes his sexual intentions known.
Oh good, there's the emotionally abusive asshole we know and do not love. And he's advocating rape! Or at least groping. I've never played the "faux indignation" game myself, but I have played the "real indignation and never seeing him again" game, and I'm capable of playing the "911, I'm going to need the police... and an ambulance" game if it comes to that, buddy.

(At least I hope I am. Shit, this is sending me into an uncomfortable tangent of wondering whether I could physically defend myself from a date who went too far. I've never been threatened with anything really bad, but fuck, I can't even talk mean to most guys who push my boundaries. I could do it if he was hostile, if he was all "I'm going to hurt you bitch" I could bust out the Krav Maga and/or concealed weaponry, but if took the "I thought you liked it" tactic--and they very often do--I have the hideous suspicion that I'd end up apologizing to him. Still wouldn't see him again, though.)

XIV. Fuck her good
Fuck her like it’s your last fuck. And hers. Fuck her so good, so hard, so wantonly, so profligately that she is left a quivering, sparking mass of shaking flesh and sex fluids. Drain her of everything, then drain her some more. Kiss her all over, make love to her all night, and hold her close in the morning.
Oh Roissy you incurable romantic. This sounds pretty good... assuming it's not being done over her "faux indignation."

XV. Maintain your state control
You are an oak tree. You will not be manipulated by crying, yelling, lying, head games, sexual withdrawal, jealousy ploys, pity plays, shit tests, hot/cold/hot/cold, disappearing acts, or guilt trips.
Jesus, if she's throwing all that at you, maybe it's time to go be an oak tree somewhere else.

XVI. Never be afraid to lose her
Solid advice. After you've cheated on her, been emotionally withholding, ignored her desires, completely bafffled her with erratic behavior and impenetrable arrogance, continuously treated her like she's a crazy manipulative bitch, and possibly physically violated her a little, you'd better be ready to lose her.