Cosmocking: June '10!

Purple cover! Pink! She actually looks pretty badass and her dress is this awesome metal beaded futuristic thing, I would buy it! If they made it in Size Fatty! Which they almost certainly don't! "Fun Dates for Under $10!" Free dates are sometimes nice but somehow I would be much more skeptical of a $9.99 date!

Note where his urethra (the hole at the end of his johnson) is located. It should be right at the tip--not down near the shaft--in order to send sperm swimming in the right direction.
This is like dog-show judging instructions. Also, unless he has severe hypospadias, the sperm can figure out their direction just fine. Sperm are actually pretty smart; they don't just go in a straight line and give up if they hit a wall. They're like little Roombas; they can figure out when to turn.

A boyfriend or husband who typically takes straight-on pics of you considers you his equal. But if he often shoots from above (angling the camera down at your head), he might be harboring resentment--like maybe he's pissed because you force him to go to parties on nights he'd rather stay home.
...huh.

He might also be taller than you.

The reason dudes are so optically oriented is that a male brain's "sex processor" (the area responsible for lusty thoughts) is more than twice as large as a woman's.
Everyone knows what I think of this kind of thing, so I'll just say that it apparently comes from this article, which isn't sexist because it's Science. And that article also contains something I hadn't heard repeated as fact since seventh grade:
Studies have shown that while a man will think about sex every 52 seconds, the subject tends to cross women's minds just once a day.
If this is statistically true, there must be a couple hundred women who don't even know that sex exists, just to make up for me.

"During oral, my ex would do what she called the phone-home move. She'd set her phone to vibrate and hold it against my balls as she worked my shaft with her mouth."
See, this is why you should just buy a vibrator, even if that is a dirty kinky thing that only sluts do: owning a vibrator can keep you from needing to fumble with confusing phone menus in the heat of the moment, and from having ball-sweat on your phone.

One of the most underrated positions is The Catcher.
*snickers like an eighth grader*

(And yeah, this is a position where you squat over his dick like a baseball catcher. Hey batter batter...)

So what is important? Well, it's hard as hell to figure out because no dude is going to outright articulate what he needs from you to be happy.
Well, unless you actually talk to each other. But we covered in the last issue what Cosmo thinks of that.

The male mind isn't organized like women's minds are [...] They don't spend time analyzing nuances; to them, things are black and white.
Ladies: I think this is a very sexist and unfair characterization of men. Clearly, as shown in many works of art and writing by men and the experiences of men we all know personally, this is no more true for men than for women.

Gentlemen: MAGAZINE WRONG. MAGAZINE STUPID. THIS FUNNY.

The value men place on autonomy is biological: In prehistoric times, guys who mastered the solitary act of hunting were the ones who survived to pass on their genes.
Do a lot of people even hunt alone today, let alone in the days when personal protection was a pointy stick and carcass transport was a non-pointy stick?

(Also, are humans ever going to get over being cavemen? Sheesh, we've had agriculture for like 11,000 years now, natural selection didn't just stop at that point, you'd think eventually being a competent modern human would have some reproductive value.)

Once you are together, however, [idiot "sexpert"] recommends giving your guy advance warning before doing things you've never done before. "You don't want to overstep boundaries" [...] For example, instead of just sinking your teeth into his shoulder, let him know what's in store by licking his shoulder and saying something like "Mmmm.. you taste so good!" and then giving him a little nibble. If he moans, you know he's into it.
This is not how you give warning or ask permission. You do that by using your words or at least by physically making it clear what you're planning. This right here? Is neither of those. This is a setup for a hilarious story about how his crazy ex chomped on him like a shark out of fucking nowhere.

Focus on your "trigger fantasy": a red-hot, superexplicit, kinkylicious fantasy you can call up when you're on the brink of orgasm but need an extra push. Start by thinking of movie scenes that have turned you on like crazy, then combine and customize details to concoct one that's even hotter, naughtier, and more specific to your tastes.
Movie scenes? Really? Well, I guess that scene in Spider-man where they kiss upside-down is kind of okay. Or the "ass to ass" scene in Requiem for a Dream, of course. Or the bit in Secretary where... actually a lot of bits in Secretary. I'm supposed to combine and concoct here, so I get... Tobey Maguire going ass-to-ass with Maggie Gyllenhaal. Okay, I admit it, I could probably get off to that.

Spend Way Less on Gas
Fill up [your gas tank] in the morning. Since the temp is cooler, gas is denser, so you may get more for your money.
...is this true? Can it possibly be? This is like the insanest thing I've ever heard. This is so insane I might have to do math.

Gasoline has a coefficient of volumetric thermal expansion of 950 x 10^-6 1/°C. That number describes the (change in volume/original volume)/change in temperature. It's awkward expressing this in text, but anyway, this means that a 1°C increase in temperature will increase the volume of a liter of gasoline by 0.95 milliliters.

In other words, if it's freezing in the morning and 100°F in the afternoon, and ignoring the fact that gas station tanks are underground, you would gain 0.6 teaspoons for every gallon of gas by fueling in the morning. With reasonable assumptions about your gas usage and cost, that'll be about... $1.23 saved in a year.

"My friend convinced me to get contacts for spring break, but I couldn't put them in. After 10 minutes of people bitching at me to hurry up so we could get to the beach, my friend came into my room to help. She made me lie on the hotel bed and straddled me. Just as she was yelling 'Let me put this in already!' my boyfriend burst into the room and saw two bikini-clad girls in bed struggling with each other.
Does the person who writes these "confessions" have even the vaguest idea how contacts work?


Near the back, there's a hospital-themed fashion spread. It's all ridiculous and showcases very bad practices of course (IV tubing tied in a knot with a hemostat dangling on it? A Hoyer lift used for traction?) but it's notable for featuring a model attempting to look sultry and smoldering sitting on a CT scanner bed.

The best caption: "She thought he wasn't interested--until he said he would have to sex-ray her entire body."