Extreme Restraints sells very strange things.

Once again, I was going to write a thinky talky post, but then I started browsing Extreme Restraints, and now my "how to reconcile feminism and BDSM" post (it pretty much just came down to "I want BDSM, giving me what I want is feminist thank you") has turned into a "get a load of this" post.

Well, get a load of this. (All links very, very NWS.)

The Head Job Ball Gag
I've seen strap-ons that attach to your thigh. I've seen ones that attach to your chest. I've seen ones for your chin, ones that cover your mouth, and ones to put a second one above a bio-dick. But this... this is new.

It definitely needs to be used with this dildo.

The Bird Cage Chastity Device
The residual nursing-home-worker part of my brain is horrified by this, because it's creating constant pressure points on his glans there, and he'll have skin erosion in like 24 hours if he tries to wear that long-term. Maybe since the penis has lots of circulation and he's able to feel and adjust for problems it'd be okay, but I still worry he's going to end up with a penile decubitus, and that's a search term that leads you to things you don't even want to think about. Turn your penises every two hours, people.

The Fetish Fantasy Super Penetrix Strap-On
First I looked at the second picture and thought "well, that doesn't seem fair." Then I went back to the first picture and thought "oh Jesus, I don't have a hole there!"

Tuggin' Tiger
Can't imagine why this is on clearance.

I'm also really weirded out by the continuing meme that Tiger Woods is the first person to ever cheat on his wife. It's like when Monica Lewinsky gave the first blowjob in history. (I'm also kind of secretly jazzed that according to his text messages, Tiger is a Dom. I mean, cheating, very bad, tsk tsk, but that's kind of hot.)

Silicone Anal Explorer Set
It's a buttplug the size and shape of a finger... that you strap to your finger. In fact, it's not safe to use unless it's on your finger. I feel like there's a middleman we could cut out here.

Locking Wrists to Penis Restraint
If this guy trips he's fucked.

The Rudy Tear-and-Share Cock Rings
I confess I don't know if this is a thing. The "wear it around town to show you want to tear and share!" sales pitch sounds a bit too "jelly bracelets and rainbow parties" to me, but maybe it's a thing and no one told me. Or maybe they're trying to start a thing? The whole concept of a sex toy that seems like an urban legend is blowing my mind.

the cock ring is calling from inside the house

Tall Japanese Drip Candles
This is what's known as the "sex tax." Paraffin candles (and despite what the copy says, paraffin "works with your skin" just fine), bought as candles, cost $0.94. But as soon as you call them sex toys, suddenly it's fourteen bucks.

Brass Snake Cock Plug
This is just exquisitely uncomfortable to look at.

The Pussy Spreader
" We have such sights to show you."

Darby-Style Handcuffs
Since I've been mean this whole post, I just wanted to point out that these are completely awesome and I want them for my birthday. Because dude.