Kinky vagina.

You know what scares me sometimes about being kinky? There are times when I think I'm not entirely enjoying something, when I'm starting to get really scared or feel real pain--not to the point of panic or needing to stop, just when my thoughts are less "oh yeah this feels good" and more "oh jeez I'm getting hurt"--and then I touch my vagina or have it touched, and I realize that I'm fucking dripping. Almost without me, from nothing but pain and humiliation, my vagina is soaking wet and relaxed and hypersensitive and completely ready to be fucked.

I don't think this happens in the "real world," although honestly in those--blessedly few--moments when I've experienced severe pain or fear in reality, I've never thought to check my vagina. Nonetheless it frightens me a little, that things could make my body tremendously aroused without checking in with my brain. It's one thing to think "I'm kinky," I'm used to that, but somehow it's weirder and scarier that I have a kinky body.

Then again, could just be Pavlovian. Could be that tendency my mind has to operate on several levels, so when 98% of me is completely blanked out on sex or hyperfocus or even sleep, there's always a little observer in there thinking "yep, I'm asleep now, how bout that." I can't expect the observer to always understand when the rest of me is blissing out on pain.

(Although at very rare moments the observer does go away. I've had sexual experiences that I literally cannot remember all the details of because they were that good. The beginning of the sex was super awesome, and then [???], and then I was lying in the bed next to him and he was telling me about how it went on about five minutes and my whole body was bright red and having some sort of seizure.)

It's all very hard to explain, to other people or to myself. I'm more or less at peace with "getting treated very cruelly turns me on", but it's a whole nother level of weird at the moments when I realize "getting treated very cruelly turns me on... apparently."



(Still unsure about the Benny situation. I think that I'm going to message him, because messaging the girlfriend feels kind of backstabby, but I'll be upset with myself if I say nothing.)