Wanting it more.

So far as I know, neither Alan nor Benny has any partners besides me. (While they don't explicitly know about each other, they do both understand that they're not my only.) I always want to see them for sex more often than they want to see me, and when we're having sex, I usually initiate and they always end it.

The reason, I'm fairly sure, is just that I have a ridiculous libido. The guys are normal humans who have the time and desire and energy for sex some times and not others, and I'm... not always up for it, I'm human too, but a lot more willing to shift my priorities around to get some.

It wounds my ego. If I were superhot, if I were a babe, they'd make time, dammit. When I have to beg, sometimes I feel like they're just humoring me by fucking me. They're enthusiastic enough when we're doing it, but every time they say "I'm going to bed early tonight," or "I have to work late," or "I don't think it'll work a fifth time," all I can hear is "You're not pretty enough for me to strain myself." That's immature and self-centered of me, but it's what I think, not what I know I should think.

I'm getting what I want. I want sex and affection, and I've got 'em, and that's a damn sight more than a lot of my friends can say. I just don't know how to be satisfied.

I think it's an age thing. I'm 21 and not an experienced or powerful 21 either. I'll get older, I'll get more confident, and my libido may not change but I'll learn to take a "no" as a "no" rather than an insult.

And until I do, I have a sudden rush of sympathetic understanding for date rapists and date over-pressurers. Because it really isn't sex, is it? I can do that my own damn self and I don't even like it that much. It's the trust and approval and validation that come from knowing someone else thinks you're fuckable. That's the drug.

And I'm a fucking junkie.