Cosmocking: November '10!

Dark red cover! Biggest headline: "First, Take Off His Pants"! Classy! Also, "Sh*t My Boyfriend Says," because it's not vulgar if there's an asterisk! Katy Perry! I really want this woman to go away! In a romper! Because that's her thing! And no one else's! Because normal people don't like totally undressing to use the bathroom!

Pat Love, EdD, coauthor of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.
Cosmo finally found their perfect expert.

I can't help but picture the conversation, too; in my mind the couple's voices simply cut out when they try to say certain words, leaving nothing but that powerless breathy gasp you make in the nightmares where you can't scream.
"Honey, we need to talk about... haaahh."
"Oh? Is something... haaahh?"
"Well, I love you very much and I'm telling you this because I trust you, but lately I feel like... haaahh."

Sexy: Dudes on a roll [picture of guy standing indifferently on a skateboard]
Skanky: Nudes on a roll [picture of naked people on a roller coaster]
Once again Cosmo confuses "skanky" with "awesome." That's one of the happiest pictures I've ever seen. And it was a cancer fundraiser. (Mildly NWS picture.) If having fun, bending rules, and doing good is "skanky," then I'm glad I'm a skank.

A recent study found that when a guy is attracted to a woman, he'll concentrate so much brain power on wowing her that he'll temporarily lose his short-term memory for basic facts, like the name of the company you work for or your roommate. Aw, that's kinda cute.
Coincidentally, when a guy is not attracted to a woman, he won't care enough to memorize where she works or her roommate's name.

Q: Is sex on the first date a deal breaker?
A: No. I don't get why women think that. You're telling yourself that all you have to offer is your body and the physical act. There's so much more to you than that. If I like somebody, there's so many great things to look forward to, even if we do it on the first night. I want to go to different restaurants with you, hear you tell new stories, see where you work.
This is some musician named Drake, and while I've never heard of him, I had to quote him for getting a small scrap of awesomeness into Cosmo. You're cool, Drake, whoever you are.

Your fantasy: Watching two women get it on
Why it revs you up: You know what it's like to be a woman but have no idea what a man experiences. So with only females in the picture, every kiss, touch, and lick is something you can relate to. Plus, girl-girl action is usually portrayed as more sensual.
Remember, kids, there's no such thing as bisexuality! Hell, I'm not sure there's such a thing as female sexuality at all; are you, like, attracted to people? That's pretty gross.

How to use it: To get more sensual lovin' from your guy, set the scene for it: Put on slow tunes, light a candle, and slip into delicate lingerie. He'll get the message that you want to take things slow.
That's right, kids, when you feel attracted to women, the best way to explore that desire is with a man. That'll keep ya on the straight and narrow.

Also note Cosmo's continuing dedication to not saying anything, but conveying the message entirely through set design and costuming. Because, let's face it, most guys would be pretty turned off by their girlfriend whispering in their ear, "I had a fantasy about two women and tonight you're going to do me nice and slow while I tell you allllll about it."

Your fantasy: Treating your guy like a sex slave
Why it revs you up: If he has to follow your every sexual command, you're guaranteed to get exactly what you need. This fantasy hints that you feel uncomfortable being aggressive in real life and/or are reluctant to tell him that some of his moves don't work.
How to use it: There's a gentler way of letting him know what you want. Pull out a few issues of Cosmo, and circle some sex tips that will help him please you. Then leave the mags open on the coffee table (or in any spot you know he'll see them).
Yep, if you have fantasies of being dominant and taking control, the correct action to take is to be as passive as humanly possible. On the off-chance that he even sees the hints instead of moving them over so he can put down a coaster, on the further-off-chance that he gets that these are things you want him to do, on the only-visible-with-the-Hubble chance that you can find appealing suggestions in Cosmo--you're still not getting to carry out the incredibly obvious and straightforward fantasy you had in the first place.

Sometimes a cigar really is just a giant throbbing cock, Cosmo.

Hold his penis in one hand, and lightly slap it with the other. This increases blood flow to the area.
Oh, so Cosmo does know how to do femdom, they just don't know when they're doing it. I know that this would work for some guys, but because of Cosmo's strict no-talking-about-sex policy, you're supposed to not ask or warn but just start in with the whackity-whack-whack.

Cosmo's 2010 Bachelor Blowout
I will never understand this. It's just pages and pages of guys--one from every state--who don't happen to be married. And they have vapid little blurbs like "People tell me I have a great smile." And it just goes on and on. I guess most of them are above-average-looking, and some of them have their shirts off, but I don't get this. Is every Cosmo girl in Nebraska supposed to track down the Nebraska dude because "OMG he's available" or what? It's just a listing of men who exist. I'm baffled.

When you go get your Saturday morning caffeine fix, take a look around the coffee shop to see if there are any cute guys with their noses buried in a laptop. If you spot one, approach him and ask if you could borrow his computer to briefly Google something. When he hands it to you, quickly open a blank Word doc, and type in your name and number before handing it back to him.
And then...? I get the impression you're supposed to just sashay away in a puff of exotic perfume and ethereal beauty, but if you aren't an ethereal beauty then it's kind of weird. I guess this tip isn't terrible, but I don't think I have what it takes to make guys go "who was that mystery woman?" I have what it takes to make guys go "then we just started talking like we'd known each other forever," and I like that so much more.

Your man begs you to play hooky so you can enjoy a frisky day at home together... but you have a ton on your to-do list at work. You tell him...
A)"I have to turn in a report by noon, but I feel a cold coming on after that..."
B) "Screw it. My deadlines can wait a day."
C) "Keep your pants on, horndog. There's no way I'm ditching."
If you choose "C", the quiz informs you that you are "a bitch to yourself." Because if you cared about you, you'd put your job in jeopardy because your boyfriend asked you to. That's just good self-respect right there.