Cosmocking: October '10!

More from the backlog! Pink cover! Really pink! A woman in a pink dress on a pink background with a pink title! PIIINK! Lauren Conrad! "Own His Orgasm!" I prefer to borrow my orgasms, and give them back when I'm done! "Is He STD-Free? How to Check!" Oh no Cosmo no Cosmo no!

A new study from the University of Texas at Austin found that women begin to crave more adventurous sex starting at age 27 (and continue to crave it until age 45). Why? Our bods want us to get pregnant before we hit menopause.
Apparently having children before age 27 confers no evolutionary advantage. Also, the social and psychological effects of aging--the reduction in youthful inhibitions, added life and sex experience, the probability that you're in a long-term relationship--are unworthy of consideration. But most importantly, always remember to never draw any lines between your data and the part where you just make stuff up.

A new study from the University of Holly at Somerville found that women who bathe with soap have less body odor than women who bathe with cheese. Why? Cavewomen produced a counter-odor to attract cavemen after they'd bathed in cavecheese.

SEXY: Couples who swim together
SKANKY: Couples who swim together
Yes, it says this. I don't even... I assume it's a typo... or it's just too darn subtle for me? I don't even know.

Guys used to be the providers and protectors, but now, more women than men are graduating from college, which leads to women earning more, having more confidence, and demanding more from a boyfriend. In other words, just footing the bill doesn't fly these days. Women want an emotional partner and are encouraging guys to talk feelings... which can leave men insecure, since they have no guidelines or role models to look to.
You know what would make me insecure? Knowing that my partner was only with me because she depended on me for her quality of life or even survival. I would always wonder if she even liked me or if I was just a tolerable meal ticket. Dating someone who doesn't need me is a wonderful reassurance that they want me.

Also I am having difficulty with the statement that when men are asked to be emotional, this is so new and terrifying that it upsets their emotions.

If you need to vent your worries, blab to [friends and family] or a professional, and take a pass on turning your guy into your therapist because, as ["sexpert"] says, "you shouldn't look for your partner to fix you."
Yes, no one who loves you and shares their life with you would want to be bothered with your annoying little emotions. Don't bring your petty little woman troubles to him when he has important business on his mind, like Sputnik and Eisenhower and how to make cars that look even more like gigantic shiny rocketships.

How Not To Marry The Wrong Guy
Ooh, ooh, I know this one! The answer is not to make your life into a single-minded quest to find The One who will Complete You and get him to Commit and work out a strict timeline for reaching--nay, achieving--the Happiest Day Of Your Life!

...that's not the answer, is it.

You should not be asking yourself or your friends "How do I know he's The One?" because it's kind of like an orgasm: If you're not sure that you had one, you didn't.
Well, except orgasms exist.

Don't get me wrong; I believe in love. Love is joyous, beautiful, sustaining, magical. Love is the best thing in the world, except for cough drops. But you know the other cool thing about love? Love is abundant. There's no The One; there's thousands of people you might come to love and who might come to love you, and that love is no less true. Every potential lover is imperfect and different and many of them are wonderful.

Maybe true love is like an orgasm, in the sense that you know it when you've got it, if not in the sense that I once had one just from having my ear licked. But the idea that there's a The One out there is less likely than vampire unicorns.

Easy Ways to Feel More Aroused
[...]Wake up 10 minutes early so you have time to put away your hair dryer and makeup, hang up any rejected outfits that usually end up on the bedroom floor, and make your bed.
OH GOD BABY HOUSEWORK MMM YEAH MENIAL CHORES OOOH.

I also like how even my clutter is painfully stereotypically feminine. Because ladies don't do anything all day but lady around. Also apparently I routinely try on and reject outfits, even though they're my own outfits that I already had in my closet? Huh.

Men appreciate personal info like we appreciate perfume: a whiff is all we need. TMI and we're choking on the stench.
In the early days, you were full of intriguing secrets. We loved discovering your likes, dislikes, idiosyncrasies. Passion thrives on mystery, so don't show us all your cards.
Apparently passion thrives on me not being a complete human being, or at least not where my partner can see. I always thought my "personal info" was what made me interesting--I'm pretty drab-looking until you hear about how I live my life--but apparently that's out of keeping with this issue's theme of "Don't Bother Your Man With Your Boring Ol' Humanity."

Q: My boyfriend says he's not into receiving oral sex, but I thought guys loved it. Is he lying because he thinks I'm bad at it?
A: The best thing you can do is reassure him that you do get pleasure from going down on him by moaning and telling him how good he feels in your mouth or how much it turns you on to taste him. [...]say that you'd love to change his mind about oral sex, and suggest he whisper directives like harder/softer, faster/slower, and more/less pressure until it feels just right.
Well, whatever you do, for God's sake don't listen to him and believe him and respect his preferences. You're sleeping with "guys," right, not this particular guy, so it's important not to let him step out of line.

Q: My guy is convinced that most women are physically incapable of orgasming every time. I finish about half the time, but he seems to think he has no control over the situation and it just happens randomly. I've tried telling him that I could orgasm more if we worked on it, but he won't. What can I do to get him to start worrying about pleasing me?
A: You can help with this, but you're not going to do it by suggesting the two of you "work" on it. That is a word that turns guys on as much as "castration" or "Mom." Instead, you need to show him that you could orgasm more and that he'll have a hell of a lot of fun making it happen. The best way to do that may be to masturbate in front of him.
The problem with your asshole boyfriend, you see, is that you just aren't coddling him enough. How dare you. If you must have needs of your own (you selfish castrating mother harpy), at least make sure you only express them by providing even more smiling undemanding sexual entertainment for him.

Forget that paper seat cover in a public bathroom and squat instead ([burns] 5 calories).
I work, as I've mentioned, in an emergency room. I use the patient bathrooms. I sit on the goddamn toilet seats. These toilet seats can be reasonably assumed to have Ebola, anthrax, and the Black Plague, and you know what? Nothing bad happens to me, because my ass has intact skin and an immune system. Seriously people.

Also, 5 calories is equivalent to 0.023 ounces of body fat. SQUAT YOURSELF THIN.

"I found out that my boyfriend of more than a year was cheating on me with a girl he'd met on Facebook. He'd logged in on my laptop a few times, and his password was automatically saved on my computer. I signed into his account and changed the word "women" to "penises" in his favorite Dumb and Dumber quote: "Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano..."
Wow! Take that! You really showed him! He'll be totally reeling from that totally ballsy crazy revenge scheme! Talk about getting even!