Giving In.

I have trouble submitting. Not masochisting (or however you verb that); physically intense things are easy for me. But the same thick-skinned-ness that makes me able to take punishment keeps me from internalizing it, from going from "there's something hurting my skin" to "I am helpless." (The fact that I still have feminist and psychological reservations about whether internalizing that sort of thing is even a good idea only makes it harder.)

I backtalk a lot. It's some nervousness, some disliking Benny, but a lot of it comes from an inability to let go. To accept that for this fleeting instant my life isn't about me, isn't (directly) about what I want. To not just get on my knees and follow directions, but to actually give up control.

I want to. Maybe it's a stupid fantasy, maybe I wouldn't actually like it or it's not possible, but I really want Benny to somehow break through my ego and make me stop being me for a few minutes. I want to be made (very temporarily!) into this... animal... that isn't Holly, that doesn't have a big mess of thoughts and worries and desires and reservations, it just fucks and feels and is.

BDSM as meditation, maybe. I never did get the hang of real meditation. I kept thinking.

We could work out a scene for this, I think. With me blindfolded, immobilized, kept from speaking, and given pain beyond my limits, maybe I'd stop caring so damn much about myself. Or maybe even a scene where I'm free physically, but absolutely not allowed to express or act in service of my own desires. A habit I have worse than the backtalk is the small adjustment. "No, hit me a little lower." "Hangon, gotta cramp." "Loosen my knee, it's bent all funny." If I were kept in a scene where no such allowances were made, long enough and strictly enough, would I reach that state?

Being made selfless, thoughtless, not-me.... I don't want to live there, but someday I want to visit.