Valentines.

That Goddamn Holiday is coming. This'll only be the second year I've had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day. The last time was with Kevin and he didn't get me shit. "What'd you expect, a dozen roses?" he asked. "I'm not buying that." Then get me one rose. Or fuck, one carnation. One goddamn dandelion, okay? Dammit. I wouldn't have minded a cheapass or homemade gift but to get nothing but a rude "ho, you ain't worth money" on my only partnered Valentine's Day was pretty rough.

And now, I think, it's going to happen again. There's no way in hell Benny will get me anything. 1% odds on a sex toy, 99% on nothing because God forbid I get the impression he likes me, I should know that my place in his world is "physical convenience."

And then Alan told me he doesn't want to do anything to recognize a "stupid commercial holiday that just makes people feel bad."

I have thirteen days to convince him that this isn't about money or trying to force the relationship to another level. It's about not giving me another Valentine's Day where I get the message "you're good enough to fuck, but that's all."

Despite the impression I sometimes give online, I'm usually cheerful and always extremely undemanding with guys. It's just that when (and I swear, this is not all the time) I do want something silly and symbolic, the whole undemanding thing kinda bites in the ass.

Sometimes I think that if I were strong enough to say "I'm not seeing you unless you treat me well, and I'm not fucking you unless you treat me like a goddamn princess," my relationships would go a lot better. But the problem is that I'm so damn happy to be seeing/fucking the guys at all, I can't stand to withhold it for any reason. (Also, I'm terrified that if I ever say "I'm not seeing you unless...", the answer will be "fine with me, goodbye!")

I think I'll give both guys presents, whether they do anything for me or not. Not heart-festooned teddy bears (that might be a little passive-aggressive), just fancy food or something. So I can say we did something for Valentine's Day.


I desperately need a mushbuddy and have no idea how to get one. Putting up online ads saying "don't worry boys, I may be nothing much to look at but I fall in love real easy on the first date!" works less well than you'd expect.