Incompetent cowgirl.

You know what I'm shockingly bad at? Fucking on top. I just don't know how to do it right. I think everyone has a few surprising gaps in their knowledge--someone gets to be a mostly competent adult and just never learned how to use a record player, or how to crack ice cubes out of the tray--and this is one of mine. I was out sick on the day they covered it in school, or something.

(Pointless digression: I actually was out sick for my first sex-ed class. They just gave me the book to read at home. My mom came by and asked very awkwardly if I had any, um, questions. I said "no" and we were both greatly relieved by this lie.)

Part of the problem is that it doesn't actually feel good to me. It's relatively difficult for me to come when I'm on top; the whole "you can control the speed and depth precisely" thing so often used as a selling point is no fun at all for me. Who wants control? But a lot of guys seem to particularly enjoy being ridden, so I feel it's a skill I ought to have in my repertoire. Plus, asking guys to always be on top is lazy! I don't want to seem lazy!

To be fair, there's two kinds of fucking on top, and I'm only bad at one of them. I'm fine at the kind where the guy is thrusting upward, and I only have to respond to his movements. But the kind where he just lies there--I don't know what the fuck to do with myself. Bounce straight up and down? Lean forward and kinda slide back and forth? Do my hands brace on him or the bed or myself or nowhere? Do I rotate at the hips or knees or both? Is there a way to just move my pelvis or does my whole self have to move? Why does this look so easy in porn? Is it a problem that I have absolutely no innate sense of rhythm? Does he really expect me to go that fast with my entire body? Is it supposed to be this goddamn tiring?

Maybe the problem is that I've never really been taught. In every situation where I'd been expected to perform girl-on-top, the guy just lay back and waited for me to do my thing, and I never admitted I didn't know the thing, I just climbed on and half-heartededly wiggled around until he flipped me over in exasperation. I need someone who's willing to actually tutor me here, allow me a few mistakes and give me pointers until I succeed.

...then lay me down and fuck me in a way I actually enjoy.



(Weird fact: I can give a lap dance like nobody's business. It's only when it actually becomes penetrative that my mind and body lapse into total stupidity.)