Cosmocking: April '10!

White cover! Is it a yearly cycle? I think last April was white too, but sadly (wonderfully) I set my old Cosmos on fire rather than drag them across the country, so I can't check! Lady Gaga! In nude-colored grandma-ish supportive undergarments! That's kind of awesome! Not awesome: she's been airbrushed within an inch of her life, to the point where her torso is a featureless pink blur! Is Lady Gaga's real body that bad? Cosmo thinks so!

An ingenious dating rule of thumb: in the beginning of a relationship, every coupley thing you do is magnified five times. So when you text him twice, it's basically the equivalent of 10 check-ins.
Oh God. If I call him once, I'm a crazy person.

iTrust is a new 99 cent app that tells you if someone snuck a peek at your iPhone. Keep that in mind the next time you're tempted to scour... we mean, glance at your guy's call log. Not that you'd do such a thing.
Tee hee, how silly of me to do an eensy widdle pwivacy viowation! Ain't I the fucking cutest?

The Rise of the Less-Successful Boyfriend
Me, I would have titled this article "The Rise of the More-Successful Girlfriend."

The best statistic in the article: as a result of the 2009 layoffs affecting more men than women, 1 in 4 women now earns more than her husband. OH NO THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH WHAT ABOUT TEH MENZ.

When you're out together with friends, casually mention a random thing he does well, like his cocktail-mixing expertise or the way he effortlessly lifts your 2-ton couch. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, couples who put each other on a pedestal are happier in the long run than pairs who don't idealize each other.
Yeah, and if you paint stripes on your face you'll turn into a tiger. Happy couples say nice things about each other, certainly, but I don't think you can work this one backwards.

Really thank him. If he helps you paint your bathroom, leave his favorite salty snack in the pantry.
Gosh, you really went all out there. Buying a bag of chips and not even directly giving them to him, that's gotta be reserved for very special occasions.

(Wait... do you live together or not, here? Because if you do, then it's a shared bathroom; if you don't, then he's not going to find stuff in your pantry. Unless you're supposed to smuggle it into his pantry next time you come over, which is kind of weird and might convince him that his pantry is haunted.)

Slide your hand down the front of his pants and graze his goods when you can tell he's had a hellish day. In those moments, he really doesn't want to answer questions like "Are you okay?" or "What's wrong?" ...but your caress still sends the message that you're picking up his vibe.
I can't even deconstruct this one in words. It's just... look, I'm kind of an awkward hermit, but even I have some social skills, I have a sense of how people are, and my instinct is that people who've had a really bad day do not want to be walked up to and wordlessly grabbed in the junk. It's just a feeling.

When you introduce him to friends or coworkers, highlight any recent impressive accomplishments of his. For example, "This is Steve. He just finished his PhD dissertation in microbiology" or "Tom ran the Ironman marathon last week!"
"This is Rob. He goes potty all by himself!"

The Sex Article We Can't Describe on the Cover
Oral sex. My, how shocking. Hey, Cosmo, I'm doing something right now that you couldn't put on the cover.

A shocking number of women have trouble mentally letting go and enjoying oral. Sound like you? Try keeping the lights off so you can't see him. You'll have fewer distractions and be able to focus.
The awesome part is that Cosmo is always advising you to "spice it up" by turning the lights on. So a full and varied sex life can be had simply by using a light switch. (The Clapper would be downright kinky.)

Man, this article is really frustrating from a Cosmocking point of view, because there are some really bad suggestions but they're repeats. I've already mocked the "stick his penis against the back of your tongue" and "squeeze his balls like they're supermarket fruit" things, I can't do it again. Can't Cosmo come up with something new every once in a while? The magic is gone from this relationship.

To put [a date] at ease, try the 5 in 15 ratio: Casually touch the guy you're talking to 5 times every 15 minutes. [...] Try telling him that you love his watch and gently touch his wrist, or briefly put your hand on top of his as you ask him a question.
Being "casually" touched every three minutes, the first few acceptably casual, then more and more coming until I suspected and then knew she was doing every one of them on purpose, would not put me at ease.

Yeah, sticking to benign topics will ensure that you won't rock the boat. But being a bit fearless by sharing something that's a little out there--for instance, recounting the time you won a karaoke contest with your awesome rendition of "Endless Love" or admitting that you've seen all the "Saw" movies at least twice--shows an attractive amount of balls-out confidence.
Is there something that's more benign than your incredibly mainstream entertainment tastes? If that's "a little out there," what isn't?

"Hi! My name's Holly. I like puppies. But not pitbull puppies. Those are a little out there. Um... I like puppies. Puppies."

Q: Not long after we got married, my husband started seeming less enthusiastic about sex. I was mad at first, but I realized it happens only when he's stressed about work. I'm fine with that, but I feel like now the situation bothers him more than it does me. How can I let him know it's okay if he's not up for sex as often as I am?
A: If you try to tell him that, it won't matter what you say--all he'll hear is "you don't satisfy me."
Yes, honestly communicating that you accept your partner as they are is the worst thing you could do in this situation! Or any situation, really.

Holy shit! This issue contains a sexual connect-the-dots puzzle. Mind status: BLOWN.

A romance novel excerpt:
"He kissed her, pinching her nipples so that each time, blood rushed between her legs."
Ew.