Fakin' It.

I've faked orgasms. Not in recent times, but as a teenager I'd fake them to get him to stop.

The problem was that I knew how to turn down sex from someone I didn't care about, but I had no script for rejecting sex right now but not forever, or rejecting someone sexually without rejecting them emotionally. "No means NO" is easy; "not right now, honey, no offense" took some learning. And for his part he never forced me into anything, never intimidated me, he did something much more sinister: he'd whine. He'd mope and pout and say of course he respected my decision but whhhhy.

It was always about pleasuring me, too. He didn't get like this if I wouldn't suck his dick or fuck him; he'd do it when he wanted to finger me or eat me out. 90% of the time I just enjoyed it straight up, I'm not exactly a hard woman to please, but when it wasn't working for me or I was tired or just not in the mood, I found that a quick "OHHHH... ohh, that was great baby, you wore me out" was faster and easier than having to pat his hand and reassure him and explain myself for thirty minutes. It ended the discomfort and made him happy, win-win!

The most annoying was when he found out I could have multiples, then started insisting I produce them on demand. "I want to make you come three times, baby." Aw fuck, man, just making the noises for that is going to be exhausting!

But the saddest thing is that there were a couple of times I didn't know the difference. When something would feel really good but I'd start moaning because I knew it was expected, and I couldn't tell the difference myself between the moaning I was doing to placate him and the moaning I would have done anyway. And when you've become a little too skilled at the art of moaning and clenching and writhing--there were times when I genuinely don't know if I had an orgasm or not. Or if I would've had one if I wasn't so busy putting on a show.



I haven't done this in years now. (Certainly not with you, baby.) The irony is that I really am ridiculously orgasmic and ridiculously showy about it, no faking required. But I've gotten better at saying no, and that doesn't mean I'm having much less sex or treating men worse; it means that when I say yes I mean it.