Cosmocking: September '09

Yellow cover! Kristen Bell! I had her mixed up with Kristen Stewart and couldn't understand why she looked so different and was confused for a bit there! Biggest headline: "Lose Weight While You Eat"! Apparently we will be eating antimatter! (The only way in which one can literally lose weight!)

When I get a new issue of Cosmo, I go through with a pen and circle the parts that I want to Cosmock. Sometimes people will find the magazine and see what I circled and not understand that those are things I don't agree with. It's very embarrassing.

Dirty sex means going against the idea of "proper" sex[...] It's inching into a taboo zone... and whatever feels taboo to you qualifies. Try pretending someone is watching you get it on or sharing fantasies midact. Consider buying bedroom gear like blindfolds or a bullet vibrator. [...] Just talk to him before whipping out adventurous new material. You could murmur "this really turns me on" and describe something you want to try.
"Murmur"? Sheeeesh.

You know, it doesn't really bother me when Cosmo's idea of taboo is so vanilla you could make ice cream with it--hey, that's their market. But it weirds me out when they list things that wouldn't offend a maiden aunt in Utah (who is probably into rubber and piss, because you'd be surprised) and then act like extreme caution is needed in such an edgy area. I don't care how conventional your sex life is, no one needs to have a delicate "honey, I want to try something... different" heart-to-heart about a freakin' blindfold.

In bed, slap his butt and then move him into the position you're craving--this will really nail home that you're the one who's in charge.
Oh, so I need to sit him down for a serious conversation before buying a bullet vibe, but I can just whip this shit out on him out of nowhere?

Why you should check his E-mail:
Never read his e-mail, but a glance at his in-box can give you some insight into the kind of person he is.
No. No no no no no. The inbox is up there with the medicine cabinet and the diary on the list of places you are just not invited. You creep. And "oh, of course reading is wrong but it's okay to just skim" ...really? Come on.

Not sexy: shoulderpads. "She looks manly, like she could kick my ass."
I agree with the fashion judgement, but if kicking ass is wrong I don't want to be right.

Q: How can I make unwashed hair look less greasy?
A: Wash it.

(It always amuses me when Cosmo acts like their readers are all super-glamorous fashionistas whose biggest beauty problem is deciding between cream blush and powder blush, and then something like this crops up.)

Try this "shallow throat" trick: press the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth to protect the back of your throat. Bring his penis into your mouth; when the head hits the back of your tongue, it will give him a feeling similar to when you deep-throat.
I know Cosmo doesn't field-test, but this is ridiculous. I'm trying it on my fingers now, and doing this sends them straight into my teeth with every awkward half-inch thrust. If you don't want to deep-throat, here's a suggestion: give him a freakin' regular blowjob. If he complains about that, he might not be the One.

Manatomy Explained
Meatu: The hole at the tip of the glans through which he urinates and ejaculates
Meatu: A region in Tanzania.
Meatus: A really tricky word that only really smarty-pants geekface editors could be expected to know about, and no one likes them anyway

Take Cosmo's Color Sex Test!
This one is great. They have a swatch of orange, of green, and of purple, and you pick the one you like best and they tell you exactly what kind of sex you should be having. Orange-liking people need to have more intense sex, y'see, and green-likers need to look out for their own pleasure, and purple-likers, well, they just aren't getting that intimate connection from their sex. See, it makes perfect sense really.

When you're trying to orgasm, the random thoughts that pop into your head--like whether you remembered to DVR "The Real Housewives"--are a buzz kill.
Like ohmigosh, I know! When I'm getting laid, I always want to think about high heels and babies and cooking! It's so distracting!

If you're veering away from orgasm, briefly holding eye contact with your partner helps to pull you back into the moment.
This is probably just me, but I don't know what it feels like to veer away for orgasm. It's either towards, towards, OHHHH; or sometimes towards, towards, towards.... oh, he stopped.

We get that lights-on sex can make you feel, well, naked. Luckily, there are a few easy adjustments to make you feel sexier [...] If there's a body part you're not totally comfortable about, choose positions that won't make you obsess: missionary will hide your tummy, and side-by-side takes the focus off your butt. Another idea is to leave on a piece of clothing, like a lacy camisole, to keep you a little covered.
You really don't trust your boyfriend, do you? You think he doesn't know what shape your body is? You think that he's dating you but the sight of your uncovered stomach would horrify him? This is likely one of the closest relationships in your life and you don't want him to even see all of you?

Have a little faith, take that camisole off, trust him, and for once, freakin' relax.

Q: My boyfriend occasionally likes to incorporate food like strawberries or whipped cream when we're having sex. I, on the other hand, think it's gross. Eating isn't erotic, and when I'm doing it naked, it just makes me feel fat. Is there something slightly more normal I could suggest substituting for his fetish?
Reading this question gave me a sudden flash of insight into the Fat Acceptance movement. (Which I'm not totally behind because I think they deny the health and lifestyle risks of morbid obesity, but when it comes to regular-fat I can respect the cut of their jib.) It's not just about being decent to fat people; it's also about keeping thin people from thinking that if they became fat it would be the end of the world. When the prospect of gaining weight, or even feeling like you're gaining weight, makes you afraid to eat a freakin' strawberry in front of your lover... yeah, your perspective might need more help than your waistline.

Also, I tried to think of things that were "more normal" than whipped cream in bed, but the best I've got so far is whipped cream on waffles, and that definitely won't help your problem.

To be connected to a customer-service rep when you're on hold, drop an F bomb. Many systems are designed to channel you straight to an operator if you curse.
If they mean automated systems, I reaaaally doubt it--as soon as people knew this it would be useless. If they mean getting a human operator to transfer you up a level, that'll probably work, but there's a spot in Hell reserved for people who abuse service-industry workers for their own convenience.

Fun, fearless way to meet a guy:
The best thing about a cute guy in a Laundromat? He's not going anywhere for a good hour.
Yes, but bear in mind that as a prisoner he is protected by the Geneva Convention.