Welcome to the seamy underbelly. Can I get you a Coke?

I'm continually impressed by how the filthy seedy underground contains some of the sweetest, friendliest, most open people I've met in a long time. You can hang around and chat and make friends, get up and get beaten and fucked in front of everyone, come back and resume chatting.

Which is what I did tonight. I hung out on the couches, met an adorable boyish blond top, we talked casually for like a half hour then went in a quiet back room to negotiate ("can I pee on you?" "no, no, I'm saving myself!"), came back out and he put me in handcuffs and leg irons, beat the shit out of me, and fucked me but good. I went from whimpering in pain from a huge heavy paddle on my ass, to moaning in ecstasy as he held my legs up over his shoulders and fucking slammed me, to a meek little "thank you, that was nice." Then we cleaned up, got dressed again, and went to hang out and shoot the shit on the couches again.

On the way back home I listened to country radio, and all the songs about eternal faithful love for the first person you ever kissed made me a little sad. Not directly sad; I had a damn good time, I don't think I'll start emotionally pining for Blond Boy but nor am I numb--just cheerfully pleased with what I got and wanting nothing more. But meta-sad. Sad that I wasn't sad, if you know what I mean. I'm starting to realize that ("at least at this point in my life" is what I tell myself) the entire traditional romance model isn't going to work for me. Some doors are opening and quite a few are closing. A lot of awfully nice men don't want to date the girl who's sucked thirty-seven dicks.

At twenty-two it doesn't matter much. I figure I've got at least eight years to be as much of a slut as I like; just use condoms, get tested, don't go anywhere private with anyone creepy, and I can party my little butt off. But I really want to have a kid someday, and I don't want to be a single mother. Does that stick me with traditional marriage? Would a man expect sexual fidelity in exchange for acting as a domestic partner and father?

I suppose there are some who wouldn't, especially in the kinky/poly community. It's certainly a more limited selection but not a dismal one. And things can certainly be worked out with men who don't publicly identify as poly. And this "kinky slut" shtick may be a phase; my sexuality and lifestyle may be different when I'm of mommy age. Or I may just make the sacrifice of traditional marriage and learn to accept it.

Nonetheless I worry sometimes.