Cosmocking: June '08.

Gosh, I put this one off a long time. The issues always come out two or three weeks in advance of their purported month so I've been sitting on this one for a while. Anyway. Carmen Electra on the cover. Her paint-stain dress, while actually sort of cool, clashes horribly with the safety-orange background.

Smashing into theaters this month is The Incredible Hulk, starring Edward Norton. If your guy forgets the popcorn, crack him up with this classic Hulk line: "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."
I do so love the awkward laugh of you-won't-put-out-if-I-don't-pretend-you're-not-an-idiot, don't you?

All guys can get away with being vulgar and crass, but very few women can. For instance, it's okay for a man to make masturbation jokes, but when a girl tells you she ended her day alone with a vibrator, it comes across as sad. So women should usually avoid superdirty humor.
Hey lady, fuck you! Oh, oops, I'm a dainty proper little lady--kiss you! In the ass.

Also: I'm going to end today alone with a vibrator. Anyone who's sad for me because of this, raise your hand. (Anyone who wants to listen in on this, you have my number.)

"I read about how much fun ice can be under the covers," says Owen, 26. "My girlfriend loved it so much that, even now, she sometimes brings up how creative it was."
Oh my gosh, that's so... adorable.

Thank Him for Being a Guy
Tell him you dig one of his manly moves, like changing your oil or fixing your computer sans manual.
That's not manly. It's helpful. I'll happily thank him for being helpful.

You don't see many 20-year-olds who are into role-playing or S and M because they don't need it--a stiff breeze is enough to get them aroused.
People don't do that freaky S and M shit because they can't get aroused without it; they do it because with it they get aroused a whole big lot. (Also, I find it sort of weird that they're implying "S and M" would arouse anyone who'd become less responsive to stiff breezes, like a flogging was the new Herbal Viagra.)

[in an advice column where a woman complains her boyfriend hasn't wanted sex for three years] Come to think of it, why do you want to have sex so bad with someone who's unwilling to be intimate? Is it because you're attracted to him or because you're desperate for him to notice you?
Or maybe she just wants to get laid sometime this year? Jesus Christ, nooo, women only want sex for fuzzy emotional reasons, because our vaginas are dead inside and feel nothing.

[in an article on date rape] Master Manipulators: Lines like these are meant to get you alone.
-"You're drunk. I'll give you a ride home."
-"Let's go somewhere quiet to really talk."
I can sorta see how these might get a very naive girl into a situation with unwanted expectations, but for an adult with social skills, really... "go somewhere quiet to talk" isn't a lie so much as a polite fiction. Maybe I'm steeped in rape culture, of course I don't think any such situation entitles the man to sex, but most guys who say "let's get some privacy" aren't manipulating you, they're assuming you know what they mean.

The secret to being a confident chick: JEANS
EXACTLY.

And now, the almost inevitable Incredibly Reprehensible Article of the Month:
How to Snoop on Your Man*
*Because sometimes you may have to
Yeah, it's not your fault, you had to!

The medicine cabinet: Google any meds you don't know--he may have an STD, depression, anxiety, and ADD. Painkillers could be from a surgery, but if they're under someone else's name, it could be a sign of abuse. If he has different tablets in the same bottle, note any numbers or letters on them, and use the pill identifier on drugs.com to ID his stash.
Yeah, fuck those antidepressant-using bastards, how dare they think they deserve to have a girlfriend! Being depressed, that's just such a horrible betrayal!

And it goes on, for four pages, straight-faced: check his trash, check his browser history, check his wallet, check his phone bill, check his goddamn underwear drawer. I don't even know what to say about this.

Never date a Cosmo girl.