Addicted.

I just figured out how to do LiveJournal-style cuts so I can make really long posts without drowning my front page in a Wall of Text! Very exciting! I think I'm going to kick off this new ability by taking the Sexual Addiction Screening Test. Note that sex addiction is not recognized in the DSM. Further note that online sexual addiction resources are rarely more than three clicks away from the word "Savior." I'm just saying.

The marvelously scientific and unjudgemental "SAST", with my snotty answers, is below the cut.


1. Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?
Nope. I was physically and mentally abused (well, we just called it "beat up and yelled at") a little here and there, but no one ever did anything to my Swimsuit Area. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person I know who can say that.

2. Did your parents have trouble with sexual behavior?
Probably, but not that I ever wanted to know about.

3. Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts?
Who the hell doesn't? But even by "post-pubescent human being" standards, yeah. I mean, most people don't have an entire blog devoted to their sexual thoughts.

4. Do you feel that your sexual behavior is not normal?
I don't think it's typical. (Although it may be closer than I think; I've noticed the prevalence of secret weird fetishes to be damn near 100% sometimes. Probably my only real deviance is talking about it.) But I don't think my sexual behavior is abnormal in the sense of broken, just in the sense of statistically uncommon.

5. Do you ever feel bad about your sexual behavior?
Well, sometimes. Not often, certainly not every time. But ever, yes. I also occasionally feel bad about my behavior in every other area of life, because I have feelings.

6. Has your sexual behavior ever created problems for you and your family?
Yes, I did use to be a teenager. It's not creating any big problems now though. Shouldn't an addiction test be asking about "currently" or "frequently", not "ever"?

7. Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like?
I've sought help with sexual behavior I didn't like...

8. Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior?
More because I stopped sexual behavior with 'em, really.

9. Are any of your sexual activities against the law?
Fewer since Lawrence v. Texas, but I believe that consensual beatings are still considered assault. (I think the rationale is less about persecuting BDSM and more about giving abusers fewer excuses, but the end result is the same--a bruise is a bruise no matter how bad she was beggin' for it.)

Of course, this question says more about the law than it does about me; if they outlaw kissing, do you become a kissing addict?

10. Have you made efforts to quit a type of sexual activity and failed?
Nope! I've never made efforts to quit any type of sexual activity!

11. Do you hide some of your sexual behaviors from others?
It would be pretty fuckin' gross if I didn't.

12. Have you attempted to stop some parts of your sexual activity?
Nope! But is that because I'm not an addict, or is it because I'm just so deeply addicted?

13. Have you felt degraded by your sexual behaviors?
But I like it that way...

14. When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards?
Only if there are no cuddles. (There are usually cuddles.)

15. Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire?
Naw. Influenced by, maybe. Entertained by, certainly.

16. Have important parts of your life (such as job, family, friends, leisure activities) been neglected because you were spending too much time on sex?
No. This is the first question on this whole test that strikes me as legitimate--if you're fucking so much you don't even go to work, you probably do have some sort of problem.

17. Do you ever think your sexual desire is stronger than you are?
I don't know, we've never really opposed each other. My sexual desire says "hey, let's go get laid," and I say "good idea!"

18. Is sex almost all you think about?
No.

19. Has sex (or romantic fantasies) been a way for you to escape your problems?
Oh shit, we're including romance in here? That's a sex addiction too? Wanting to be loved? You heartless bastards!

And basically no; I've used sex as a distraction from minor worries, but not as a way to blot out the world.

20. Has sex become the most important thing in your life?
No.

21. Are you in crisis over sexual matters?
I wasn't until I started this test.

22. Has the internet has created sexual problems for you?
Only opportunities...

23. Do you spend too much time online for sexual purposes?
Define "too much"! Seriously, this quiz seems entirely devoted to determining how guilty you feel about sex, rather than how much you actually have. Try applying that standard to alcoholics--"You don't feel bad about it? Then drink up, buddy, you're fine!"

24. Have you purchased services online for erotic purposes (sites for dating, pornography, fantasy and friend finder)?
I've paid for porn a couple times. Usually regretted it. Not because of my addiction, because it sucked.

25. Have you used the internet to make romantic or erotic connections with people online?
Of course! How is that any more addicted than any other way of connecting with people?

26. Have people in my life been upset about my sexual activities online?
No, but I do use some judgement in who I tell about my sexual activities online. I mean, Mom doesn't really want to hear about it...

27. Have you attempted to stop my online sexual behaviors?
Yours? No. I don't wanna know. Sheesh.

28. Have you subscribed to or regularly purchased or rented sexually explicit materials (magazines, videos, books or online pornography)?
And this is the part of the test where I break and say fuck you, this isn't a sex addiction test, this is just a sexual activity test. Yes, I have purchased sexual materials. What the fuck does that tell you about me? I don't buy them every day! I don't spend the baby's medicine money on porn! How the fucking fuck is something like this diagnostic of an "addiction"? Would you call someone an alcoholic if they ever bought beer? Jesus Christ!

29. Have you been sexual with minors?
Not since I stopped being one myself. Gah, I can't believe a question like this has the same weight as questions about "do you ever think about sex ever, even slightly?" Because being a little sexually obsessed and molesting children are just two different points on the same continuum, aren't they? (No they fucking aren't. Pedophilia isn't a symptom of being too darn sexy, it's a totally separate kind of sick.)

30. Have you spent considerable time and money on strip clubs, adult bookstores and movie houses?
"Considerable?" But no, I haven't. They're awfully unfriendly to lone women.

31. Have you engaged prostitutes and escorts to satisfy your sexual needs?
Nope.

32. Have you spent considerable time surfing pornography online?
"Considerable?" But yes.

33. Have you used magazines, videos or online pornography even when there was considerable risk of being caught by family members who would be upset by my behavior?
Well, not in front of them. But anyway, if the people in my house don't like porn, that's their problem. If my sister hates horror movies and I watch Evil Dead II when she's not watching, am I a horror addict? Or just considerate?

34. Have you regularly purchased romantic novels or sexually explicit magazines?
Romantic novels? Am I a sex addict because of Jane Austen now? Sexy, sexy, sexy Jane Austen.

35. Have stayed in romantic relationships after they became emotionally or abusive?
Uh? But no.

36. Have you traded sex for money or gifts?
No. I've given sex to people who gave me gifts, but I'd like to think that it wasn't a direct exchange, thanks.

37. Have you maintained multiple romantic or sexual relationships at the same time?
Yep. You got some sorta problem with that?

38. After sexually acting out, do you sometimes refrain from all sex for a significant period?
Just long enough for the bleeding to stop...

39. Have you regularly engaged in sadomasochistic behavior?
Yep. You got some sorta fuckin' problem with that?

40. Do you visit sexual bath-houses, sex clubs or video/bookstores as part of your regular sexual activity?
Gosh, this question doesn't smell even slightly homophobic... and no.

41. Have you engaged in unsafe or "risky" sex even though you knew it could cause you harm?
No. Point of personal pride.

42. Have you cruised public restrooms, rest areas or parks looking for sex with strangers?
Jeez, and I thought that last one was homophobic. (Admittedly this is pretty damn ooky for any sexuality, but it's such a gay-male stereotype that it feels like it was put in specifically for them.)

43. Do you believe casual or anonymous sex has kept you from having more long-term intimate relationships?
That's actually sort of a tough question. But I've been having long-term intimate casual sex... how does that work?

44. Has your sexual behavior has put you at risk for arrest for lewd conduct or public indecency?
Well, fortunately there weren't any cops at that beach... or that parking lot... or that campus quad...

45. Have you been paid for sex?
This is the same question as #36.


So I entered all my answers (which, you notice, are "no" on most of the really bad ones) into the dumb website, and... I'm a sex addict! I should seek help immediately! Or I might never know the loving light of Our Savior.

It's all funny until I realize that some people take this crap seriously. The idea that someone could sell this "having sexual feelings is pathological" bullshit for real money, and use it to destroy real families, is sickening.