Snarking Cosmo.

I'm in an easy-target sort of mood. (I'll break my agonizing nearly-two-week dry spell tonight and then we can go back to horny details.) And Cosmopolitan sex tips (second page) are the very easiest of targets.

1. "Gosh, being wet and slippery with you does nothing for me, honey... unless the water smells like grandma's perfume, then it's hot as hell."
2. He'll practically bust out of his pants laughing if I say that. Also if I jam my hand in there only to find that I can't reach his cock. "No, no, honey, I dress to the left."
3. That doesn't sound even slightly awkward.
4. "Oh baby, oh baby, you make me so tachy"
5. Actually, not bad ideas, except that the pretend-it's-a-hotel theme is pretty goofy. If I'm pretending my room is something it's not, by God it's going to be a spaceship.
6. Technically, it's 2-D, just mapped to a cylindrical surface. But, yeah, the idea's okay.
7. It's gotten to the point where when Brandon sees me revving up to an orgasm, he puts his hand over my mouth, so that he might have a hope of ever making eye contact with a neighbor again.
8. Solid ideas, although the idea that this is groundbreaking news to someone breaks my heart. Also, I like the metal ones.
9. Creeeeepy.
10. Wait, uh, so I'm just supposed to sit there and huff on it for a while? Huh.
11. That's not a tip, that's a basic position. You can't just give reverse cowgirl a stupider name and make it a "tip"! Geez.
12. Okay, now kissing is a tip.
13. HAHAHAHA. (Not that I don't dance naked when I'm alone. But it doesn't make me more body-adjusted, it makes me more ridiculous.)
14. "So, um, baby, are we going to do it? I mean, today?"
15. If you can carefully control your breathing at that point, the battle is already lost.
16. I was with this until they got to pasta. I guess tortellini maybe, but ugh, can you imagine trying to sexily hand-feed someone spaghetti?
17. Okay, now being an obnoxious attention whore is a tip.
18. No, sleeping with other people is how I get the having-an-affair thrill. Much more effective.
19. This one is actually kinda hot.
20. Pillows? Jesus, if I'd actually bought the magazine and paid four bucks for "The best sex tips ever!", I would be so pissed to find out that freaking pillows are a tip.

I should do a list of "Holly sex tips", but the experience might be humbling.