Cosmocking: May '12!

Man, I wish I could write more often. :(
But Cosmo's here, and Cosmocking stops for nothing!

Pink... um, tomato?... er, salmon? ...reddish cover!  Some sort of Kardashian!  Featureless black dress presumably pitched as "slimming" but coming off more like "black hole"!  It's the Sex Issue, although it doesn't have particularly more or different sex than any other issue!  "Feel Great Naked--9 Foods That Burn Fat While You Eat!"  I feel great naked just as fat as I am, thanks!  Also I don't think you will burn fat by eating unless maybe you're eating a lot of ice but I really don't recommend that!

The one word a majority of dudes wish you'd say more during sex: "Harder."

I used to have this problem.  When I was a teenager, I watched too much porn, and I got the idea that "harder" was this generic expression of enthusiasm.  So I'd be having sex and moaning "harder, ohhh, harder," until the poor guy was dripping sweat and crying "for God's sake I can't go any harder."  Took me a while to figure that one out.

Anyway, their poll says 45% wanted to hear "harder," so Cosmo could use a little help with the concept of "majority."  I guess they weren't sure delicate ladybrains could handle "plurality."



There's an article in here by Sandra Fluke about "Why Do Women Need to Speak Up About Birth Control?"  It's awesome and I'm not going to make fun of it.

...And shortly afterwards there's an article about how if your boyfriend is having a bad day you should ask him to open a jar of pickles for you.  Oh Cosmo.

I guess if I don't have a pickle jar around I can just come up and hug him and say "Hey, I know you're feeling sad right now, but your triceps are statistically likely to be slightly stronger than mine."  That'd cheer anyone up.

Make a Hottie Hit on You
[The steps to making a hottie hit on you:]
Rock bold earrings or a shirt with an eye-catching graphic
Do the Cosmo heel dangle
Give him sexy eyes... twice

This issue does have a theme, as it turns out, and it's not sex.  The theme is "the alternate universe where men are incapable of hearing women's voices."

...Wait, that's the theme of every issue.  Shit, they even made it explicit in the last one.  But the "don't meet guys, present yourself for them" thing is really bad here.  Bad to the point where they suggest standing in front of the bar's men's room, because all the guys walk there at some point, therefore you're sure to get picked up.

This isn't socializing advice.  This is product display advice.

How should semen taste and smell? 

Slightly sweet and a bit chlorine-ish.

I think Cosmo's just fucking with us now.

Is there a move I can do to get him extra hard? 

Grab the base of his penis and give it a few firm pumps while talking dirty to him.

Isn't this just the time-honored method of getting a guy regular hard?

And you know, there's nothing wrong with that.  Nobody's born knowing how to work a penis.  A lot of Cosmo readers are pretty young, and learning some basic "works for most people" sex tips might not be the worst thing for them.  (Kinda breaks my heart to think of them getting the "stand outside the bathroom and your Mr. Right will find you" advice, though.)  But why package it as ultra-super-duper-mega-kinky secret sex secrets?

Maybe if Cosmo could admit to their readers (and themselves) that a lot of what they do is actually basic sex ed, they could do it more responsibly than this.

If I don't want to kiss my BF right after he performs oral sex on me, what should I do? 

Kiss other parts of his body--his neck, lower stomach.

In The Terrible Universe Where People Ruin Everything By Talking: "I don't want to kiss on the mouth right now, 'kay? But I'll kiss you here... mm, and here..."

In The Cosmoverse: [turns head away from kiss] [turns head away from other kiss] [tries to kiss boyfriend's neck while he's trying to kiss her, bashes their faces together] [ends up holding boyfriend by the face to try to muscle away from him] [finger accidentally goes up his nose]

I will never understand people who think that talking isn't suave.  Shit, you should see the stuff that happens when you don't.

Why does he always tell me he loves me during sex? 

Chemicals released in his brain make him feel attached.

This is the saddest thing Cosmo has ever printed.

I mean, okay, technically it's correct, although it's also a valid answer to "why does he tell me he loves me during a long serious discussion?"  But I don't think Cosmo meant it like that.  I think they meant it like... God, Cosmo.  That's fucking terrible.

How can I get him to slow the pace when he's on top?
Press your hand against his butt to slow him down.

He's not a horse, Cosmo.