Cosmocking: June '11! Part One!

It's COSMO TIME! Very sunny yellow cover! Cameron Diaz! Showing more side-boob than I've got front-boob! Her, um, I'm gonna go with "garment," is a light blue snakeskin-print sleeveless--in fact entire-side-less--thing that's baffling me why anyone would possibly design such a thing for a human to wear! Oh well, fashion never was my thing! "Cameron Diaz: Why No Man Can Tame This Babe!" SERIOUSLY COSMO IT IS TWO THOUSAND FUCKING ELEVEN AND WE STILL SPEAK IN TERMS OF BEING "TAMED" BY A MAN SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK?! "What Men Want Most At 9 p.m.!" I think that might vary depending how 8 p.m. went! "4 Fab New Vibrators!" Holy shit, Cosmo actually said vibrators! Is this progress?! I bet it's not!

Q: I confided in my mom when my guy was being an ass, and now she's not a fan of him. How can I help her get over it?
A: First of all, give her misgivings some thought. Any chance Mom could be right? No? Then change her mind by flooding her head with positive input.
This isn't necessarily terrible advice--if you have a very judgmental mother and a very nice boyfriend it might be just right--but I can't be the only one getting a creepy vibe from it. The line between "don't bias people against him" and "cover for him" can be... thin. If your mom is an important confidant in your life, feeling like you have to tell her that everything is absolutely peachy all the time is a bad, bad sign.

[Cameron Diaz:] "Marriage hasn't been important to me, because I believe we are with who we're supposed to be with when we're supposed to be with them. If I try to lock something down, I'm missing out on all the possibilities of what it could be."
Poorly thought-out Hollywood woo-woo determinism aside, good for her. She's sticking to her beliefs and she's aiming for a happy relationship rather than an "official" one. And yet this was the quote, apparently, that Cosmo decided to headline as "no man can tame this babe."

I could rant here, but I don't even know if that would be funny.

Oh what the hell.

"Taming," seriously, Cosmo, what the fuck? A woman isn't an animal. Marriage isn't ownership and it sure as hell shouldn't be taking control. And it's not just wrong but gross to suggest that a woman who doesn't want to get married is "untamed," like she's a goddamn feral dog or something. What the fucking hell, does it mean that she'll never learn to sit on command or use the litterbox? I can't be "tamed" either, and not because I'm wild or sexy or wink-wink implications of slutty, it's because I'm in control of my own damn life and if I get married I'll be in control of my own damn life. You want to know why no man can tame this babe, Cosmo? BECAUSE SHE'S A HUMAN BEING AND YOU DON'T TAME HUMAN BEINGS.

This all started when I was hired for the job of a lifetime, bartending at a resort halfway around the world. On the first day, after being shown my teeny-tiny shared dorm room, my uptight manager laid down the law. I wasn't allowed to set foot anywhere beyond the ballroom of the resort, and if I was spotted socializing with guests on or off the clock, I'd be fired.
You say "job of a lifetime," I say "human rights violation." You're not allowed to leave your workplace and you're not allowed to socialize with any non-coworkers? That's not a dream job, that's just shy of human trafficking.

(This leads into a mostly uninteresting story about how she slept with a guest and a manager caught her "out of bounds" in the wrong part of the resort and she got in big trouble. I'm endlessly saddened that her response was "tee hee, my bad," and not "I'm unionizing this fucking place.")

There's nothing as sexy as hearing a woman boost herself up, even if she's just saying something as unsexy sounding as "I just owned that parallel-parking job!"
Whoa. Dudes, is this true? I may just be the sexist woman on the planet.

Whoa. Feedback loop.

Usually, all you have to do is stroke a guy here, lick him there, and bam, he's showing off his O-face. A no-brainer.
Wow. Cosmo just made me feel really, really inadequate.

I don't think the idea here is "we think dudes all premature ejaculate," though; I think it's more of a "we think male sexuality is so simple it's a joke." Dudes, right? You touch the hard part and you get the wet part, end of story; meanwhile, women are like complex delicate fuckin' snowflake flowers.

But the latest research shows that a specific method of slow, tantalizing, drawn-out foreplay releases three key hormones in a man's brain--testosterone, dopamine, and oxytocin--that, when amassed together, ultimately trigger an even longer, more electrifying finale.
Aw heck, that's nothing. My foreplay causes guys to release glutamate, GABA, acetylcholine, dopamine, serotonin and N-acetylaspartylglutamic acid. I'm just that good.

Record your voice on your cell the next time you have a solo session. Then send the audio file to him in the middle of the day with just this text: "Want to hear me do this tonight?"
Last time I tried to text Rowdy, I accidentally sent it to my dad. The message was innocuous, so fortunately it was no big deal.

So I'm not saying that you shouldn't do this, just that if you do, make sure you don't hit "most recent contact" without looking.

As you're eating dinner together, say something X-rated, like "See how I'm devouring this piece of meat? That's how I'm going to devour you."
That's not X-rated. That's terrifying.

(This particular comment is 500% funnier to those of my readers who have seen how I eat steak kabobs. Grrrr...)

"She looked me up and down and asked, 'So, why are your clothes still on?'"
Man, no fair. When these presumably-fictional Cosmo dudes' girlfriends do this, it's so sexy they go and tell a magazine about it. When I do this, all I ever get is "because I just got home, jeez, at least let me go to the bathroom first!"



Remember when Cosmockings were one-parters? Yeah, those days are long behind us. Imagine a "tickle his balls with your eyebrows" tied to the traintracks right now, as its only hope of rescue, "put your nipples on his feet," dangles from a cliff, because this is... to be continued...