Cosmocking: February '11!

Pink cover! Mila Kunis! Whoever that is! "The Attitude that Makes Her Effortlessly Sexy!" Yes, with only years of diet and exercise and acting training, professionally applied makeup, a custom-tailored designer dress, studio lighting and photography, and a butt-ton of Photoshop, she's effortlessly sexy! "Bad Girl Sex!" "Flatten Your Belly!" Because breaking the rules is totally sexy, as long as you don't break, you know, those rules! We have rules about how to break rules, here!

There's a guy I used to know in this issue. That was a "holy crap" moment. One of the guys profiled in the "Fun Fearless Males 2011" section is Cory Monteith. Who I worked on a film project with, back in the day. We weren't really friends or anything, but it's still bizarre to see someone I knew as a regular person being presented as a Famous Person. And in fuckin' Cosmo! Holy crap.

In a man's brain, the bridge that communicates between the two hemispheres is smaller than in a woman's. Since it's smaller, it can't handle as much thought traffic--which explains why dudes are more single-minded and have a harder time multi-tasking.
Okay, I already covered in the last Cosmocking that this isn't factually true. Also if it were true that wouldn't account for the existence of people who have no corpus callosum and are cognitively functional. Also I doubt that the conventional meaning of "multi-tasking" is reflected literally in brain function.

So this time, I just want to point out that this is hate speech. Making a false claim that a group of people are mentally inferior because of the way they were born is not a tee-hee matter. "Men are lesser beings" may carry less historical and societal baggage than "women are lesser beings," but that doesn't make it okay. That's not something to toss out as a casual little "check out this nifty factoid, it totally explains so much, lol!" It's fighting words.

You just met a cutie at a party and would love to see him again. Send these body-language symbols to guarantee he'll ask for your number and follow through by actually dialing your digits.
Oooh, I know this one! Use your body--specifically, your larynx and tongue--to say "You're a cutie and I would love to see you again. Can I get your number?"

Of course not. Cosmo advises that you should smile at him, gesture with your palms up, and look at his lips while he talks. The idea is that he'll feel compelled to ask you for your number and not even know why. I can understand being tempted to do this out of sheer cowardice, because it's easier to put the burden of making an unambiguous advance on someone else, but I don't think that's Cosmo's reasoning. I think it has more to do with the idea that a woman can't appear to be using anything other than her beauty to attract men. If a woman can't spur a man to action through her sheer gorgeousness alone, she must not be gorgeous, and therefore she's a failure at life.

In a weird way, the Cosmo method actually sets you up for much harsher rejection, because when a man fails to spontaneously hit on you, he's not just rejecting but actively insulting you. And he doesn't even have to know it! The Cosmo method enables a man to deliver a devastating, ice-cold rejection while honestly believing he's making pleasant small talk.

Grab binoculars and set your sights on Jupiter (besides the moon, it's the brightest thing this time of the year). Face southwest, and gaze a third of the way up the sky. Jupiter is the peach-colored disk with four bright spots next to it in a line (those are its moons.)
I just don't know how to break to Cosmo that planets, er, move. Now I know how Copernicus felt.

25 Fun Things To Do With Your Guy
-Pretend you're not in a fight when you are
This is a novel definition of "fun."

Do this dirty flirting technique: Hold his gaze for 15 seconds, and imagine stripping his clothes off. As you become turned on, your body will send out sexual signals that his brain will pick up on, and as a result, his libido will leap to attention.
Okay, but what if I'm not dating Professor X? Then I'm just staring, and wow, you'd be surprised how long 15 seconds really is.

One of the important revelations of adulthood is that other people can't read your mind. You can't expect people to apologize because you feel angry, or to comfort you because you feel sad, unless you actually express your emotions. You may feel like you're radiating giant fumes of anger and look exactly the same on the outside. And likewise horniness. Feeling horny at a guy is not a way of communicating with him.

... and thank God, really, because I'm pretty sure I don't want to live in a world where you can automatically tell who's thinking sexy about you.

Men are hardwired to notice big breasts (shocker), but it's not for the reason you think. Back in caveman days, men needed a way to tell a woman's age. "They had to look at physical signs," says Satoshi Kanazawa, [noted sexist blowhard]. The giveaway: her mammary glands. "Larger breasts sag over time, so it was an indicator that a woman was older."
Oh, of course! Nothing else about a person's appearance changes with age! The average forty-year-old and twenty-year-old look exactly the same with shirts on!

Or at least they did in caveman times. I think it's gotten to the point where you can say absolutely anything about cavemen and it just goes. In caveman times, everyone ate through their butt and pooped through their mouth! Hush now, don't argue with Science.

Apples and pears are about to go out of season, so enjoy them while you still can by sipping a wintry cider this Sunday evening.
This may be the smallest nit I've ever picked in a Cosmocking, but... the apple and pear season ended in October, Cosmo.