Crisis averted.

I found a lump in my breast. I panicked for a moment. I have to see a doctor now! No, I have to see a doctor as soon as these gigantic black bruises on my breasts go away, because in my last bout of illness I had enough "that's just a hickey... I guess I bruise easy... YES I FEEL SAFE AT HOME" to last me all year.

(It makes me sad, in a way, that no one ever comes to the ER with identifiable BDSM marks. Or even hickeys! I have noticed, however, though most women don't groom their pubes, a surprisingly large number of men shave their chests. Makes EKGs easier.)

And then the lump went away. Guess it was just a hematoma.

I'm a little bit on the fence about whether I should go get poked at and mammographied anyway, but since I'm only 25 and I can't picture a way to tell the story to my doctor, I think I'll just let it go. I'm pretty sure cancer that size doesn't just heal in a couple days.

...Although if it does, shit, I need to get this to the attention of the medical community but STAT.