Cosmocking: May '08.

It's that time again! Time to reaffirm that Cosmopolitan magazine is made of poop and patriarchy! This is "The SEXY Issue," as distinguished from "The HOT Issue" or "The NAUGHTY Issue."

"I was ecstatic when my boyfriend of three years proposed. He took me out to dinner, and the actual proposal was really emotional and touching. Even better: he invested in a serious rock for me."
EVEN BETTER! I think she's being a little sardonic, but even as a joke, damn that's cold.

Don't immediately hop into the shower [after sex]--lying in his arms with that musky scent helps you bond.
This is one of those cases where I'm offended not by the advice but by the suggestion that someone needs it. "Seeya later honey, I'm so fucking special I can't stand smelling like anything besides cucumber-melon for a single instant!"

Passionate words are more effective when said in the left ear because it corresponds to the right side of the brain, which remembers emotional language better.
Well, if you're dating a split-brain patient. Except that if you are, they won't understand a damn thing you say, because the right side of the brain doesn't really process language at all; that's why people with left-sided strokes are often aphasic.

Nowadays, a lot of chicks are empowered and for good reason. Women are earning advanced degrees, big salaries, and their fair share of recognition in the world. But there's another kind of boldness that's a little harder to come by, the kind you require in more private situations, such as when you spot a hot guy you want to chat up or just before you and said hot guy are about the hit the sheets. We've dubbed it sex-kitten confidence...
Fuck you, Cosmo. I'm all about developing my sex-kitten confidence, but I've fucked a random dude and I've graduated from college, and I can tell you which one is just a teensy bit harder.

"I pay my apartment's cable bill, and my male roommate likes to order adult on demand. Recently, I looked at the bill online and was shocked to see the actual titles. I didn't need to know he's into Lil German Treats... or that he viewed four XXX films in two hours!"
Well, as long as he's paying you back for the on-demand fees, maybe you should mind your own fucking business?

He showed up with two dozen tulips, totally spacing that you love pink gerbera daisies? Thank him for remembering that you love flowers, and concentrate on how lucky you are to have a man who tried.
Is their target readership the cast of My Super Sweet Sixteen? "You gave me the wrong kind of flower and now you've ruined everything, asshole!"

Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.
lol whut

Ask what songs he listened to in junior high, and play them back during a hookup. It will take him back to that time when he was in an almost permanent state of horniness, triggering his primal urges.
"Backstreet's back... alright!"

During sex, place your fingers on his tailbone, and rapidly press and release. This stimulates the coccygeal nerve, a small mass of vascular tissue, and gives him chills.
Man, Cosmo's really laying on the "science!" in this issue. I'm very interested to hear how a nerve can be vascular tissue. Also, I like that "stimulating a nerve" is a sexy selling point. I can make up a lot of hot sex moves on that basis.

"When you and your hunk are doing the dirty deed, press on the inside of his big toe; this stimulates the medial terminal branch of the deep fibular nerve, which means that he'll be able to feel it."