Over the last year (as some people may have noticed), I've been gradually withdrawing from public/communal sexiness. Haven't been playing with new people, haven't been going to parties, haven't wanted to even write about my personal sex life as much. I still have sex and play with Rowdy--my sexuality itself didn't go anywhere--but I've been less and less involved with Sexyland.
This is not something I planned or wanted. I miss being able to have that kind of fun. I miss the thrills and the camaraderie. I miss the "I'm telling this one to the grandchildren" stories and the "I'm so turned on it feels like flying" highs. I miss the M&Ms.
There's a few reasons I've been MIA. The first is that there's been a lot of revelations of abusers and generally bad people in Sexyland, including people I've played with. Knowing that I've played with people who've beaten their partners, who were using me to cheat, who've committed rape--it grosses me out and makes me question my ability to read people. (It's also caused a lot of angst in the local scene that makes social events less fun.)
Coming out as genderqueer has been a factor too. I was used to being in the role of "straight girl" in Sexyland, and I don't think I fully appreciated how much I would have to adapt to a new one. Presenting masculine at events and having people not react the same way as when I looked femme shouldn't be a surprise, but it somehow was. (Maybe because, shit, I didn't feel any different.) For a long time, I didn't take that change in attitudes as a response to a change in my presentation, but as an "...is it my breath?" awkwardness.
But the biggest one has been the uncomfortable realization that I have done things for the wrong reasons. I've let my boundaries be pushed so I could be "cool" and I've pushed my own boundaries so I could be "sexy." Or I've done things that were entirely within my boundaries, but I've done them for validation instead of for pleasure. Don't get me wrong--this is not my declaration that I was only kinky and poly for the attention and my true self was "normal" all along. A lot of the validation I sought wasn't just "coolness," but validation of my kinks; I felt like I had to jump into the Sexyland deep end without a life vest to prove to myself that I really was a pervert.
At first this felt awesome--oh my god, I really am a pervert! I really can go to a party and get beaten and fucked by three guys! This is real life and it is amazing! But then the ooky feelings started creeping up on me. The regrets for times when I didn't say "no" and the resentment (mostly undeserved) at the people who kept going when I wish I'd said "no." That's when I started fading out of the scene.
I've been feeling that regret and resentment for a while, but last night was the first time I worked it out in words. (WORDS: THEY ARE FUCKING AMAZING.) It was also the first time I started thinking about a solution.
I need to recognize that I am, in many ways, a newcomer to Sexyland. I need to go to parties with the intent to dip my toe in the shallow end. I need to tell partners "go slow with me, I'm still figuring out what I like." I need to start learning what I want and what I need. Because although I have been Officially Kinky since I was eighteen, although I have a goddamn kink blog, although I have read umpteen kink books and been to a gazillion and a half classes... in some ways, I'm kinda new here.
As a genderqueer person, as a cautious and risk-aware person, as a person still seeking her own desires and finding her own limits... I'm new here.
I'd like to start exploring.
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