[My friend Match_Stick wrote this for our local BDSM munch, and I think it's some solid advice. Text in brackets is my comments.
Also, my excuse for not writing a post this week is that Rowdy and I were in a hovercraft competition! We had 48 hours to build a working remote-control hovercraft from scratch. The post image is our results, hovering triumphantly.]
1. Get an email address without your real name in it. You will need it for invite lists and such.
2. Get a FetLife account, and put a picture up. No need for your face to be shown, but put something up. Something other than a shot of your genitals.
2. Get a FetLife account, and put a picture up. No need for your face to be shown, but put something up. Something other than a shot of your genitals.
[You can use a headless shot of your body to avoid showing your face, but sometimes it's nicer to use a non-human picture that simply reflects one of your interests. One of my friends is a bird, another one is a famous painting, another is a photo he took. It gives you more character than the headless shot. My suggestion is to use that for an avatar and then upload your headless-body shot as a secondary picture if you want to show off your stuff.]
3. Find local events such as munches and classes to go to.
3. Find local events such as munches and classes to go to.
4. Pick a name to be known by in person. If you have a common first name, you may want to use that. If you don’t, or want to be even more careful, pick another name. Remember, people might buy “Buddy” a beer, but no one wants to buy “Lord Domly Pants” a beer.
[There's an important deeper meaning in calling yourself "Buddy" rather than "Lord Domly Pants." Which is that you're dealing with real people here, not with sexual fantasies. If all goes well, you'll be able to act out some sexual fantasies with some of them, but you don't want to come off so narrowly focused on your fetishes that you don't treat people like individuals. You want to project "hi, I'm a nice person" before you project "hi, I want you to lick strawberry Jell-O from between my toes."]
5. Practice introducing yourself. You will be doing it a lot.
5. Practice introducing yourself. You will be doing it a lot.
[I have made so many friendships--including Match_Stick!--simply by walking up to people and saying "Hi, I'm Holly. I don't think we've met before." Bluntness is my religion these days and it's paying off.]
6. Go to real life events. Everybody is shy sometimes. Go to events and introduce yourself. A lot.
7. Make friends, before you make play partners. They will help guide you.
[I strongly, strongly, strongly agree with socializing before playing, even if you get the opportunity to play right off the bat. You'll have a much better first-play experience if you've gotten to know the people who are prancing around naked. Also, certain people who proposition newbies are sketchy, and going to munches is the best way to find out who. Remember that women who prey on men, and submissives who prey on dominants, do exist.]
8. Don't touch people or stuff without permission. You will notice that people in the scene can be touchy and huggy. They know each other. If you get to know people you can probably get hugs too. If you want. People should not be touching you if you don't want them to.
[BDSM culture is stricter about touch than you're used to. If someone is touching you without asking, they know, or should, that they're crossing the line. On your part, remember that even a friendly touch on the arm can turn weird under BDSM social rules; even if it seems goofy, ask first.]
[Also: It's good to make an ally early on--preferably someone you know isn't attracted to you at all--that you know you're safe around and can go to if someone's pushing your boundaries.]
9. Guard your identity. Don’t give out your real name, phone number, or post pictures of your face without a good reason. Get a Google voice number to hand out instead. It also works with texting and you can block calls with Google Voice if you need to.
10. Meet new people in a public place or at a group event. Trade personal identity information later if you feel comfortable, and want to meet them privately.
[Rule 10 requires you to break rule 9, and I agree with this. It's prudent not to share your personal information with the kinky "public"--everyone at the munch doesn't need to know where you work--but it's rude and creepy not to share it with your play partners. Personally, I wouldn't go to someone's house alone or let them in mine unless I knew their "real life" identity. There's some trust involved in this, yeah; but there's some trust involved in getting tied up and beaten.]
11. Learn what a safety call is and use it. At the very least tell a friend where and who you are meeting, and let the person you are meeting know you did this.
12. Read a lot! SM 101, Screw the Roses, Loving Dominant, Ethical Slut, etc.
13. If you are looking for a mentor, look at your peers. If you are a submissive, find an experienced submissive to mentor you.
[I.e., not a dominant! Lots of dominants are lovely people who will give you great guidance, but they don't know what it's like being a submissive, and there's also a big risk of conflict of interest. If you don't have an official mentor, at least have a close submissive friend. Go to them with your "X wants to play with me, are they cool?" and "X wants to do Y with me and I feel Z about it, what do you think?" type questions.]
14. Ask questions. People are happy to help you learn.
15. Practice saying “No, thank you”. Be firm but polite. You may get many offers – much more than what you are used to in vanilla life.
[One big difference from vanilla culture: simply asking is almost never impolite. Someone saying "would you like me to beat you?", even if it seems a little bit out of the blue, is not being creepy. It's only creepy if they fail to take the first "no" for a clear and final answer. That's when you need to find your ally or a party host and tell them you need backup.]
16. If you are at an event, please say hi to the hosts. We love to meet new people, and we can introduce you to good people.
17. Ask for what you want, when you are ready. And don’t be afraid to ask for something simple and mild.
[This one is important! You will see some people playing very "heavy" at play parties. They are certainly the most eye-catching. They are not the best at BDSM, or the realest, or anything like that. "I want to get your drinks tonight" is just as legit a desire as "I want to be your slave." "I want to spank you a little" is just as real as "I want to suspend you from the ceiling and beat you with a cane."]
18. Trust your gut. If something feels wrong, assume it is.
[A million times yes to this. Every time I've said to myself "aw, you're being unfair, just give them a chance," I've regretted it. When it comes to your body and your safety, be unfair.]
Copyright 2011-2012 Match Stick, major contributions by kaminaru. Licensed under the Creative Commons Share Alike Attribution License. Please feel free to copy, improve, translate, and share. You don't need to ask permission first.
Feel free to tattoo it on your ass. If you do, please send me a picture!
0 comments:
Post a Comment