Cosmocking: June '09!

A white cover, very classy! And I like the dress and hairstyle on... um... the cover-person! "Leighton Meester"? Is that a real name? "Meester Leighton" would be a good Bond villain, sort of.

There's a weird paradox in every issue of Cosmo: they constantly say that men have huge sex drives and aren't picky, then lay out thousands of things things you must do exactly right in order to get and please a man. Apparently dudes will fuck anything that moves... unless it's wearing last season's eyeshadow, gawd.

"Approaching girls in bars terrifies us. It sort of feels like a no-win situation. Like, we know we're already paddling upstream because she assumes, 'Oh, he thinks I'm cute. I win.' And where does that leave us?"
Shit, dude, do you really think women go to meat markets to hear that they're cute and go home? I guess this explains the paradox I was wondering about: women have narcissism complexes in the spot where our libidos should be.

Some experts claim that you can actually transform the entire sexual experience into one long, continuous orgasm.
Uh huh. I'm guessing this involves some creative interpretation of what constitutes an "orgasm."

Your partner touches and tantalizes you until you're at the brink of climax but without letting you tip over the edge. The Bodanskys call this hyperaroused state an orgasm--just not the kind we're used to.
I fucking knew it! Hey, I know how you can have an eighty-year orgasm. It's just not the kind you're used to.

Women often find they're approached by guys more often when they're in a relationship than when single? Why? People who are in love have high levels of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with a good mood and sociability-qualities that attract men.
MEN CAN SMELL DOPAMINE. Well, either that or desperation.

Cosmofied Pickup Lines: We took some of the raunchiest, corniest things guys say while hitting on women and translated them into sassy lines to use on dudes.
"That's a nice dress. I'd love to see what it looks like crumpled on my floor." -> "That's a nice jacket. If you're lucky I'll let you offer it to me so I don't get cold."
"Do you have a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause I can see myself in your pants." -> "Do you have a crystal ball in your pocket? 'Cause I can see you spending a fortune on me."
Dang, Cosmo. Dang. (The second one doesn't even make sense.) These are "sassy" all right! Ooh, ooh, I can play along!

"If I ran the alphabet I'd put U and I together." -> "I don't even want to see your filthy little dick until you've paid me in cash."

[On approaching a group of men.] If they think you're trying to snag their alpha, they'll ignore or even harass you. So chat up guys on the periphery, since their reaction influences the alpha's opinion of you. Laugh at jokes, smile, and orient your body toward whoever is speaking. It may take a bit, but you'll work your way toward the man in the middle.
Then present your estrus-inflamed rump to him, spray urine around the vicinity, and allow him to best another male in antler combat before mating.

Smoking and heavy drinking have the same effect on a guy's mojo as a Rosie O'Donnell striptease.
"Haha, no one wants to fuck a fat lady" is crude enough, but when you're ragging on a fat gay lady for not being arousing to men... man, what makes you think Rosie would want to strip for you anyway, buddy?

You can glean a lot [of information about a man's fertility] from the volume, clarity, and taste of a man's semen.
"You taste like babies! HUNDREDS OF BABIES!"

How to Get Michelle Obama's Arms
Oh boy, are big arms in now? This is actually exciting for me, my arms are (NWS)huge. Eat your heart out Ms. Obama, if you've got B-cup arms I'm packing double-Ds!

...Oh wow, Cosmo's recommending 20 reps with 5 to 8 pound weights for bicep curls. I know they don't know me and they don't want me to hurt myself or anything, but geez, as an owner of true Big Beautiful Arms I lift just about, oh, five times that.

Pets are now being treated for OCD. Dogs who chase their tails and cats who groom nonstop can be given anti-anxiety meds.
I don't know about the cats, but a dog that runs repetitively in circles needs anti-seizure meds.

Rosé is the perfect drink for a Cosmo girl--it's cool and trendy, just like you. Don't stress over what bottle to buy. "Pick something that is light pink. The less pigment it has, the more refreshing it will be," says sommelier Lyle Kula.
Gosh, I feel like such a total wine expert now, ohmigawd! I wonder why wineries even bother making wines that aren't like super light pink, ohmigawd!

Stressful interactions trigger the fight-or-flight area of a man's brain. In women, they activate an area responsible for nurturing.
Shit, if that's true, why do I feel like fighting or fleeing right now?

I think I'm gonna flee.